Unsuccessful Predatory Male Tells All

i've been doing a spot of 'matched betting' over the last week or so.  What is it?  i had to do some research, but so far, it seems to have paid off.  In a nutshell, you get an offer from a bookies, place a £10 bet get a free £10 bet kinda thing.  And you match your bet acting as both the punter (at the online bookies) and as the bookie (at an online bet exchange).  So place your tenner at the bookies, match the bet and come out with £9.50. Down by 50 pence or so, but, you gain the £10 free bet, so do the same thing again and this time, your up!  Thats very much it in a nutshell.  Theres plenty of info on the net.

week 1.
opened quidco and rpoints cashback site accounts.
joined betfair (betting exchange) and got cashback for this through rpoints, and £10 free on betfair.
opened Coral account, deposited £10, kept £9.46. Free £10 bet, kept £6.33
opened paddy power, deposit £10, kept £10. Free £20 bet, cocked up but kept £6.76 of the £20
opened IASbet, £25 deposit, kept £23.05. Free £50 bet, kept £32.25
opened JAXX, £25 deposit, kept £23.48.  Free £25 bet, kept £17.96

ended week 1 up by £57.29

PLUS cashback from the cashback sites, totalling £50.  These take a bit of time to arrive.

Week 2 has started by joining William Hill with a £10 deposit, and a matched bet on everton/chelsea to retain £9.33 of that, plus i'll get £10 cashback from Quidco.

I bought a property! amidst all the doom-mongers, i found a place that had been sat empty for quite some time, haggled a bit with the repo-owners and bought a nice place. needs a lot of work. Her indoors has moved in with me, makes sense seeing as she's 4 months gone now.

Well, its clearly been a while since i've written on here, and much has changed!

I've been with 'young un' since... and we're now 8 weeks pregnant. My immediate reaction when we found out was shock and disbelief, but, well i like to think that i'm mature enough to deal with these things. She usually stays at mine for 3 or 4 nights of the week now. She has been looking for temp/part time jobs around my area and if she manages to get anything then she'll be moving in.

i'm pretty excited about the prospect of parenthood! i know its still very early days though.

so, since my last post, u may have read that i dropped in weight to 68kg's, well, i've gained and now weigh 74kg's. Thats a couple above my usual weight.

i have been eating like a goddam animal!

which was pretty tricky considering i was also hospitalised for a bit of work on my jaw, but that only really affected me for a few days.

Younger woman stayed at mine for 6 nights during that time, to make sure i was ok and take the active nursing role, but she damn near tried to screw me to death! i was glad of the rest after i took her home.

i am not someone that needs weight loss programs. I'm one of those 'how the hell can he eat all that and stay slim' kinda guys, high metabolic rate etc.

so i managed to even myself out at a reasonable 11 and quarter stones. i'm 5'11. so although it's slim, my bmi sat right around the middle of where it ought to be.

anyhoo... i've been dropping weight. Its the bain of a guy living on his own... wake up, roll out of bed, put kettle on, shower, coffee, go to work. eat rubbish sandwich, bag of crisps, tall latte. get home from work, shove something in microwave. watch telly/porn on 'net, go sleep.

not really a healthy lifestyle, but cooking for one is not cost effective, quick or something anyone longs to do!

i'm down now to about 68kg's, just over 10.5stone, 150lb's, whatever unit of measure you want to use. I need to adjust my lifestyle and calorific intake to put weight back on. I've set my target weight as 12 stone(76kg).

using some pretty basic calculations, i worked out my calorie intake requirements. But one of my biggest problems was my diet. Again, the problem with living by oneself. I have no qualms with cooking. In fact, i really rather enjoy it! But... i cant just improvise by looking to see what i have and throwing something together. No. I have to decide what i fancy, look up how to cook it, then buy the necesseary ingredients. Half the things on the ingredients list i wouldnt have a clue where to find!

So i'm going to start a new blog, The single persons survival guide. It'll have basic but GOOD recipes in. I'm cleaning up my diet to incorporate more fruit and less junk and maybe i can encourage others to also.

i'll provide a link to the new blog when its started, but will still keep this one running )

oh wait! edit! i've now created my foodie blog! http://sps-guide.blog.co.uk/

if u recognise that phrase then you're as old as i, if not older!

im still about, been doing a lot of thinking. i still dont have the answers.

miss canada flew in for a couple of weeks, and we headed out into europe for a bit before coming back to england and seeing the sights. it was nice to have her here. However... it was also very weird... coming home, and finding someone here... freaked me out a little.

quite a lot actually.

it culminated with her last night here, when she asked how its been for me... and i just had to tell her that although its been nice, its been weird and an eye opener! Am i ready for any sort of relationship at all, let alone a really difficult one across 5000 miles?? i'm not sure! Yes, i think she is perfect for me, but, not right at this moment... so i had to tell her this, i couldnt send her back to canada then tell her a few weeks later... there were tears etc. i suggested that i probably just need a bit of time to work out what i want and if i can really do this, cos at the moment, i'm doubting myself.

what i DONT want to do however, is rush into thinking that i CAN do it, then putting myself, her and her daughter through more unecessary grief by realising that i truly am not ready.

I picked up a prgnancy test kit on saturday prior to younger womans arrival. She'd already pointed out that she didnt want to be pressured into taking it, and understanding how scary it must be for her, i respected that. However, theres no harm in being prepared, so i had the kit available in case she decided that she might want me to be there when she did it.

I didnt pressure her, i pointed out that we have responsibilities, and that its better to know wether we have something to worry about, than worry about something that might not actually be, etc. But i didnt press the issue. Whilst i was taking her home on sunday, she promised me she would take it on monday evening and that she wanted to be alone. Thats fine, but i pointed out that although i respect her decision, she was going to have to do it in front of me as well, else there was no way i could be 100% sure i wasn't being played. She understood and agreed, but still wanted to do the first one alone.

She texted monday early evening, saying that she felt a little guilty/selfish for saying that she wanted to be alone and that she would like me to be there with her. i couldnt, i was working. I would have liked to be there. Not through mistrust, but because i realise that she may have needed a hug more than anything else in the world right after.

It came out negative )

She's still going to do another test at the weekend as a double check though.

How do i feel about it?? hmmm... i'm not sure! on one hand, i wont deny that im hugely relieved!
On the other hand though... well, that could have been a child, my child, our child. Sure, not the ideal circumstances. But deep down, i think she would make a great mother, and no way would i let her struggle on her own and be a 'father on the end of a phone'. She thought it would ruin our lives. I think it would CHANGE our lives, but not ruin them.

Anyway, regardless... i'm pleased she finally took the test. Actually, i'm proud that she did. I listened to her and understood why she was scared. She listened to me and understood why it needed to be done, she stepped over her fear and did it. Yeah, i wish i'd been there. I'll be there at the double check.

So me and the young lady had quite a bit to talk about (see earlier topics) so she agreed to meeting up on saturday evening. I suggested we have something to eat, so maybe we go out somewhere for a meal and a chance to talk about stuff.

Of course, we seem to be incapable of talk and it was pretty obvious where it was going to be heading...

She decided to try one of the Anne Summers 'Litlle Blue Pills' and i swallowed down a Janumgra. And after a little more wine, we took another one each just for the hell of it.

I have to say that the Janumgra, despite being sildanifil based (just like viagra and kamagra) didnt have the same effect on me as the kamagra did. It didnt really matter anyway, as we both enjoyed a thoroughly good evening/night/morning of it, but the kamagra made it stay hard even 'between' sex, and the janumgra didnt, despite doubling the dosage.

SIDE EFFECTS: i suffered from a bit of heart burn. Now, this could have been the curry i cooked us, it could have been the smoking, or it could have been too much sex. But as the latter 3 dont usually cause me to suffer with heart burn, and because i used double the recommended 24hur dosage, i have to assume it was the Janumgra.

She also said that the Little Blue Pill didnt seem to do anything for her. Although that's probably just as well, seeing as she has possibly the most enormous appetitie i've ever experienced. I'm starting to wonder if in fact she's actually a cyborg?

Hmmm... been checking out the dates and times of text messages received by phone, regarding her doctors appointment for blood tests etc.

and by my reckoning, its very possible that she can be telling the truth about thinking she's pregnant.

fuck.

although she hasn't yet taken a test to find out for sure. Putting myself into her shoes, i'd be bloody terrified too. I guess she's burying her head in the sand a little.

We've agreed that we really need to talk about this properly, WITHOUT it ending up in bed! Although im not sure when that'll happen as we're both busy for a few days.

So my delivery of Viagra from overseas actually turned out to be Janumgra instead. Although its still Sildenafil Citrate so i figure, as per Kamagra, its a generic name.

Shame, as i'd like to test proper Viagra to see if there is any difference.

So, now i have a few packs of Janumgra, and a few packs of Kamagra... Unfortunately, i'm not sure i want to continue testing, i seem to be in enough trouble as it is!

i'm quite jealous of Jay Z. Not because of the 99 problems, i have far fewer problems than him. But because a bitch aint one of them.

The eager keen 21 year old was getting emotionally attached, and i figured that wasn't a great thing, as although she is hot, and cute, and ok, yeah, i do like her, there was no intention of emotional attachment on either of our parts. She also has some psychological issues that she finally told me about a few days previously. On monday, she asked me about wether i could see any long term future between us.

Whoaa!!

I've not tried to lead her into thinking there was more to this than there actually was, and in the interest of preventing more upset/pain than necessary, i had to put her into her place. Right away. I've probably not been as open and clear about it as i should have been, and i found that the more i've gotten to know and her know me, the more important its been to talk to her about this, but the harder its become. But now, it had to be right away.

So i said 'yeah, about that... i'm not going to be in the country next year'. Pretty delicate, i thought... this was followed with questions such as 'so you got wife and kids out there?' etc. We chatted on msn for a while. The chat seemed to be based on me being an ass and how much she hates me, no she doesnt hate me, she wants to hate me, but she cant hate me, she's going to kill me etc. We then agreed to meet up the following evening for a drink and a chance to talk about the whole thing face to face.

So we met up and went for a drink and talked. She asked about the whole canada thing and i said yep, thats where im going. probably first quarter of next year. and she talked about how she'd fallen for me etc. How low did i feel???

she then told me that she thinks she may be pregnant.

the rest of the night is a bit of a blur as far as conversation goes. All i remember is somehow, we ended up back at mine and fucking for the night. She suggested staying at mine whilst i was at work but i said that would be too weird, and i packed her off to the train station.

of course, i dont believe for one moment that she really does think she is pregnant. We've been careful. And more likely to be a reaction to my statement of i'm leaving the country. After all, 4 weeks is borderline too soon to have any indication. I'm more concerned about her mental state of mind. She's no stranger to a razorblade.

So in my mailbox was
'Little Blue Pill' by Anne Summers. I'm a bit dubious about this one, as its a herbal thing, and i was so impressed with the Kamagra that its going to be difficult to live up to...

I also had some more Kamagra arrive.
When you leave a 21 year old girl wondering how on earth she's gunna keep up with you, and wanting more, you know you've found something that works and works well!

I'm still awaiting for legit Viagra to arrive. This is being shipped out from overseas so may take a while.

I'm seeing the younger girl on saturday. She's young, keen, eager and enthusiastic, i dont think i'll test the 'little blue pill' but go straight to the already proved kamagra...

So i didnt get to test bona-fida Viagra just yet, but managed to get hold of some Kamagra 100mg.
Kamagra contains Sildenafil Citrate, which is the same as Viagra is based on. Apparently it IS Viagra, but manufactured by a different pharmaceutical, who obviously cant use the trademarked name.
I was with the younger girl last night, and i'd been stressing myself out that i may have problems like before, and, well these things cause a vicous circle... so at an opportune moment, i slipped away to the bathroom and popped down a single 100mg pill.

So, down to the nitty gritty...

the effects:
Pill taken at around 8pm, with water. I was already fairly aroused, but vey soon after i had a good rock solid stiffy and within 30 minutes we were naked in bed.
So we got it on and got jiggy, there was no way this was going to go the same way as before. It was up and staying up, and after sex, it stayed hard and we were at it again and again. Yes, this stuff worked a treat and by the morning, she was less worries about me keeping up with her, but more worried that she might not be able to keep up with me.

side effects:
it made going for a piss quite awkward.

Ingredients:
Rhodiola Rosea, Cynomorium Songaricum, Tongkat Ali, Leuzea Carthamoides extract, Siberian Ginseng extract, Schisandra Chinensis extract, Schisandra Chinensis, Muira Pauma, Saw Palmetto, Damiana Chuchuhuasi, Guarana Seed, Cayenne, Grape Seed extract, Kwaopet.

150mg capsule.

Taken at 9:45pm.
I was alone, which may not be the best way to test these things out, and its possible that the cough medicine could have had an impact.

I got chatting with someone on msn, and by 10:30, i had a hard-on. Nothing different from my usual one, no added length, girth or improved hardness, just a standard boner. When left alone for a while, it went back to flaccid.

No strange side effects, no sustained erection. Just my usual boner.

So, that one really didnt have any effect on me. Perhaps an increase of dosage to 300mg next time.

Check back for my next trial!

I cant tell you the truth. not just yet at least. but considering the issue i had just recently, i am determined NOT to fall into that situation again.

So im going to conduct some experiments with some of the drugs that are available on the market these days... Viagra, Cialis etc, we all get the emails, but i'm going to use my contacts to secure some safe samples, for research purposes...

i'll be scientific about it. We all know that the advertising that goes with these things can be slightly bending the truth.

So the target drugs to begin with:
Golden Root Complex
Little Blue Pill
Viagra
Cialis

i'll start tonight with the Golden Root... results to follow )

Well, i had a fantastic time over there and got on superbly with 'miss canada'. We spent a night in Vancouver before heading up to hick-ville, then onwards to some scenic areas where i got to spend some time chasing wild animals and falling down mountains!

She's coming over here in may for a couple of weeks.

Since i got back, mad irish girl texted to say she was in the country for a few days, then she called on her last night, asking if i wanted to hook up.

I told her no.

thats right! i turned her down! She sounded a bit dissapointed, so i texted her in the morning, and she was ok with it.

hmmm... what else? I had a bit of a play with a younger woman (14 years younger...) although this was possibly the most embarrassing night iv had in a long time... pretty, young, fine-bodied, eager girl, naked and incredibly keen, and i suffered from erection problems.

"how could this possibly happen right now???" i thought! it wasn't so much a problem getting it up, but keeping it up long enough to actually do anything about it just wasn't happening.

i canb tell ya, it was a real blow to me, but poor girl was convinced that there must have been something wrong with her... she seem's pretty fragile, so i'm treading VERY carefully, i dont want to damage her more than she already has been.

Nah, not permanently... but i am fucking off for a few weeks! So im starting a new blog to document my journey )

who knows, you may even see me in some of the pictures on there! it will be semi sensible, but with a healthy unleashing of humour unto the Canadians... and the french canadians will see no mercy )

anyhow, yup, thats me from saturday! so this one will be inactive for a couple of weeks.

yes, just one day after my previous entry, where i mentioned that YKW doesnt seem to affect me anymore, and i ended up spending the night with her.

If you recall, she lives right near wher i work (Canary Wharf). So she called me up in the morning, having some internet access issues. i diagnosed it over the phone and advised accordingly. A bit later, she popped into the wharf shopping centre. Our building got evacuated due to a fire! She called, but i didnt answer, i texted her to say not a good time, being evacuated. She replied 'i know just checking ur ok'... which was sweet. So i met her at our evac point (caused a bit of gossip amongst my co-workers) and as the building wouldnt be opened up for a few hours, YKW and i went off for coffee. We had a pretty good chat and go on ok, eventually, i had to meet up with co-workers and deal with the IT mess of sprinkler systems going off.

she called a bit later, having problems setting up the equipment she'd just bought under my recommendation, so i said dont worry, i'll stop by and set it up. So i dropped by her place after work, she cooked dinner and opened a bottle of red, and before we knew it, it was 11pm and no way was i going to be able to get a train home. Si i stayed the night.

Nothing happened. We chatted, we had a laugh, we went to bed together with nothing sexual other than a bit of playful groping, and we curled up and went to sleep.

Sure, if things had gone a little different then yes, id've boned it. But it was nice as it was without anything sexual going on.

i had to go to work in the same clothes as i wore on monday, which again, caused gossip amongst my colleagues....

Its been nearly 2 months since my last post!

I was starting to think that 2008 wasn't going to be a sex year for me. I'd gotten fed up with the string of random shags and as explained in a previous post, as much as the sex is good, i do miss the intimacy. So i haven't really been too bothered this year at all.

A turned into a bit of a stalker... texting me everyday, calling pretty much every other day. That was a bit too much considering we met up purely as a NSA arrangement. But i had a chat with her and all is ok now. Texts just occassionally, which is nice and we're still friends.

I'm heading out of the country next week for a short while. I should start another blog about my adventures in a foreign land )

So yes, i did break my 2008 vow of chastity just the other night. She's local-ish which is good. I dont think she's wanting a relationship as such, more of a 'going out buddy' so this could be just ideal... Although that said, i've done most of the contacting since, so perhaps she was just using me for sex? Thats essex girls for ya! Although it was damn good timing by her as i was feeling so horny that evening... she contacted me via a dating website, it says quite clearly on my profile that i'm not looking for a serious relationship. We then chatted on msn, and within a short while she'd invited me over. Nice!

YKW has been in contact as well... calling me and dishing out her problems down the phone. She doesnt have the effect on me that she did before christmas so i'm glad of that. I told her i was heading out of the country, she said we should get together for a 'drink and whatever' before then... hmmmmm...

IU dont usually bother myself with them... i used to say the usual, give up smoking (never did it), go to the gym more (nah) and so on, then i just decided to stop doing them.

Well this year, i decided to give myself some targets for the year. Realistically achievable, but not easy!

1. Learn Russian.
2. Complete verious trade certifications.

Ok, learning Russian is one thing, but i want to be able to read and write it too, which means a new alphabet! Bear in mind that i didnt fare so well in French GCSE, and dropped out of Spanish GCSE. Although to be fair that wasn't because i couldnt do it, it was more due to the ADD. Anyway, i'm never going to learn Russian to a high standard in a year, but if i can grasp a GOOD understanding of the basics, then i can build up on it over time.

As for the certifications, these are globally recognised, and, well i wont hide the fact that i really dont want to remain in the UK for too much longer. Although i have enough cert's already, the simple fact is that my company will pay for all the exams and training materials for me, so i may as well get over-qualified. It opens more doors and options.

Hey!
Well, A went back home, has texted a couple of times since but its been cool.

Have barely heard from YKW, which is good.

I needed a distraction, i by god did i get one! Several,in fact. It's caused me a lot of stress and brain ache, I've decided to quit the short term seual adventures. As much as they were at the time, i have to admit that they just werent satisfying me mentally.l Thats not something i thought i'd hear myself say.

So, why is it all so confusing right now? I have a couple of potential lurve candidates. And the problem i have is, they're both fantastic in different ways. I know i cant consider dating both of them. In fact, due to the mileage, dating one of them would be very hard, although that said, for the right person i'd be more than happy to fly thousands of miles. And i truly believe that i could be monogamous in the months that we'd be apart. Both are keen on me. But i dont want to mess anyone about or cause any upset. But i just cant pick between them. Part of me says cut them both off, but i'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Candidate 1.
23 years old
No children
Wants: Marriage, kids
Beautiful
stunning eyes and smile
medium build
distance: approx 7 hours fly time.

Candidate 2.
35 years old
one young child
in process of divorce
Wants: Stable, caring relationship
Stunning eyes and smile (in fact, a certain way she looks at the camera actually stops me in my tracks)
larger build
distance: approx 14 hours flytime

I've spent more time speaking to #2 online, but mostly because as soon as i've got in from work she's been online. In fact i haven't really had any 'me time' to do my shit. Although i've been speaking to #1 over a longer period of time. I'm attracted to both i would say, in equal measures. #2 will send a text and an email (to home and work), to ask when i'll be online... (slight stalker tendencies?) and claims to be smitten (this worries me a little)

#2 strikes me as possibly the more sensible option of the 2. Within a year of my own age, has been through her own shit and is probably less likely to hurt me. Downsides - has a daughter, is still going through divorce - so emotionally may not be as sound as she thinks. Constantly paying me complments, which i find awkward :-(

#1 i have to admit, is less sensible. Theres an 11 year age gap, which worries me a little, although it doesnt seem to bother her and she does seem very mature and want for the more mature adult things. More likely to hurt me. Doesnt send me texts and emails, she'll just leave a message on msn to say Hi, and if we happen to both be online, then we'll chat for hours. I send her a txt in the mornings (her time) to wake her up! (slight stalker tendancy from me???)

#1 i'm supposed to going over to visit sometime, no exact date set, just let her know.
#2 has been trying to rush for the end of this month to coincide with time off that she has. I felt this was too rushed so casually tried to delay without sounding like it too much. She then checked her airmiles and was going to fly here. I've had to say look, i think thats just rushing things too much.

i'm not sure quite how this situation arose actually. i've gone from very short term casual flings, to wanting mongamous relationships across thousands of miles! AND, despite never having physically met either of them, i really feel that i dont want to hurt either of them :-( i feel i connect stronger with #2, but thats possibly because she has actively pushed herself onto me?? i dont know! I really dont think i need the hassle of someone trying to take up every spare minute of my day, however, i do feel a connection.

as for the midlife crisis???
my biological clock is ticking! yes, that thing that i thought only women had... seems to have suddenly snuck up on me. The thought of having A child always terrified me. But now, the thoghts of having a child, maybe several, is warming to me scarily fast.

There was also #3, 44, flytime approx 11 hours. Very sexy looking girl, grown up kids moved out. But my ADD soon got me bored of her.

#4 is someone i've been email/txt flirting with for, well, since i started this blog! Married, 4 kids. If she's reading then she already knows who she is. We've been so close to meeting several times but always fell at the hurdle. Perfectly suited, but, well, we'll meet sometime i'm sure. What will happen there i dont know, we've talked about it many times but theres bricks in the way. Maybe a pasionate romp??

Lifes too scary. Stop the world, i want to get off.

A was over last night. Actually more to the point, i picked her up, which meant i had to drop her back. She called on friday wanting to meet up sunday, i said yeah, thats cool. She said it'd be nice to be able to have a lay in on monday morning with me, as hub's (seperated) would be picking the kids up sunday morning. Yup, about that... news for you... i'll be catching an 8am train to go to work, so kiss goodbye to a long lay in!

So that meant that we had to get up around 5 so i could drive her home and get back in time for the train... i set an alarm for quarter to.

After an evening/night of adult fun, which included sex, massages, showering (not the golden sort) and more sex, we eventually got to sleep at about 2:30am. Alarms went off, which i blissfully tried to ignore, but she decided she was going to be had at that time of day, and grabbed me. Demanding girl!! Shit, i'm in my 30's now... 15 years past my prime, and she is just starting to approach hers!

*********

You know who called me again yesterday, asking about my plans for new years eve. She'd previously invited me to a do, but it was a very casual invite rather than a firm thing, i said i'd check back with her nearer the time.

I still dont understand her. She is definitely keeping me at arms reach so that if she decides she wants a relationship, then i've (foolishly) been kept hanging on for that... thats my verdict, at least.

I let her know that i'd made plans to go out with friends for the night. She was going to call me back a few minutes later, but never did.

I'm so proud for not letting myself be the lapdog! )

Have a great new year everybody!

'A' has been texting me most days since our little excursion last weekend. Even called me unexpectedly.

She flies home next week though, so i dont expect the texts and calls to continue.

We're meeting again on sunday :-)

continuuing from yesterdays blog... I had arranged to meet 'A' at a pub in the town she was visiting. I got a little lost on the way but it was soon established where i actually was, and A, being driven by her sister, came to find me and i followed them to the pub.

We all went in for a drink and a chat, big sis obviously wanted to check that she hadnt sent little sis off with an axe murderer! It was fely i was safe, and she left the 2 of us. A was really nice. Recently split with her husband and was just trying to get 'out there' again. We had a few drinks (i was driving so hit the coca cola) and had a good chat. She was hilariously funny, a slightly warped sense of humour, easy to talk to and we both relaxed quickly.

So we jumped into my motor and headed off to mine. The fog was amazing, couldnt see a damn thing out there! Eventually got back to mine, had a drink, listened to some music, went off to the bedroom and got naked. We got on really well, and she was the cuddley sort, which was nice as i do like a nice cuddle.

She needed to be back by some ungodly hour of the day, and woke me up in the nicest of ways ;-) and we set off back into the fog.

So another meaningless night of sex, although that said, she was really personable and i enjoyed her company as much as anything else, so it was a very pleasant evening :-)

Well, remember i had to abandon the car the other day?? Actually, it was my van. I had to find a way to get to it, with another car so i could jump start it. So i got in touch with my ex yesterday and she said she'd pop over no problem. Well she IS still driving my car about several months after we split... go figure? i had 24 hours to find somewhere to live, yet its taken her months to find a replacement car! So anyway, she dropped me a text this morning to let me know she'd be on her way.

YOU KNOW WHO CALLED

YKW called. she didnt text, just called. that was a surprise! we chatted for a bit, she unloaded her all worries onto me (why??) and talked about her xmas and new year plans, telling me that she couldnt bear the thought of spending xmas on her own, sat in front of the telly, so she's arranged to go out for a meal with friends.

When she asked what i would be doing, i pointed out that i was spending xmas, on my own, sat in front of the telly. She invited me out for new years, but i'm not so sure. She really has no idea what she's putting me through and i think is an entirely innocent party in all this. That, or incredibly devious.

EX ARRIVES TO BAIL ME OUT

Then the ex turned up, with her friend. She'd never been round here despite various promises that she'd drop by, so she was quite surprised at how big this place is. We had a couple of cups of coffee and went off to retrieve the van. She left a laptop with me for a quick repair job, as i'd previously arranged to fix it. Now, for obvious reasons, i wanted to keep my antics completely unknown to her. Sure, its got nothing to do with her, but all the same, she doesnt need to know. So it was with great discomfort that as i was closing the door to the van, her mate spotted a lipstick/lipliner thing in the door and said that she didnt think it was my colour....

Great! How did i miss that being there?? I picked it up and asked ex if it was one of hers, which she replied 'its definitely NOT one of mine'. so what else could i do, other than put it back and look confused as to where it came from??? Still, there were no questions asked, and i'm popping round to see her tomorrow to drop the laptop back off. Maybe it'll be questiontime then??

HI MY SISTER WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU
eh? I had no plans for tonight. Just sit in, watch a bit of telly, whatever! Then a message pops up, saying that her sister was visiting and thought i looked ok, would i be interested?? A bit of msn communication, numbers swapped, and i'm showered, cleaned and ready to go out for the evening....

well, i must say that i'll be pleased to see the back of 2007. it hasnt been my finest year. I'd like to see the year out with a fat bottle of vodka, and a trip to the vets to steal a bag of horse tranquilisers.

I keep a brave face on the outside, very happy go lucky. But inside, well, i'm just slowly slipping into social unconciousness.

I feel im getting further and further away from life itself. Its just how i feel right now. I know that once the new year is done, i'll be back to my normal, realistic self. Or at least i hope i will be. I like to be open, say what i think and what i see. It might make people think bad of me, but it could be worse, i could be a liar just putting a sugar coating on to make life seem that little bit sweeter.

I REALLY need a distraction! i'm rattling around in here, on my own, with absolutely fuck all to look forward to. i thought id get used to it, but i havent. my life, or lack of it, is startinjg to eat away at me. Even the casual nsa sex stuff has just felt empty. great at that moment in time, but afterwards?? i think i've grown out of the whole 'notches on the headboard' game.

i'd like to think that i'm intelligent enough to balance this all out with reasoned thinking and find a sensible solution, but i dont know, i'm kind of up and down in my mental state. I'm obviously smart enough to be able to analyse myself as im typing this.

bah humbug!

Yup, potential FB is a no go. Although she was actually very good looking and nice to talk to, there was just no physical connection there whatsoever for me. And i think that was the same for her too.

Shame, cos i had a fuggin nightmare getting there, and getting home too, having had to abandon my car and take taxi's instead - also cost a small fortune!

Back to the drawing board

its been a few days since i heard from 'she who uplifts me with a simple text'

and i knew that this was probably for the better, too.

after all, my head is still telling me that she's not going to be good for me... she will take my heart and rip it up. and i promised myself that i WILL NOT let myself be put in that position.

i dont understand her, i cant figure her out. one minute she'll be nice as pie, and the next, pretty cold and blunt, unless of course, thats just the way it comes across.

so why the fuck did i text her this evening???

do i really need to set myself up for the big slippery downhill slalom?? iv never been one for skiing anyway.

well, my text was met with, what i consider, to be a pretty blunt reply, one word answer. For an incredibly intelligent girl, i would expect more than that from her, so i have to consider it as a bit of a cold response.

i wanted to reply. but didnt know what to say. i tapped in a few words, then deleted them. tapped in a few more, and deleted again.

again and again!

eventually, i just said goodnight. which was replied to with a sweet goodnight message.

i think she's playing me. she's keeping me just within reach, not letting me get close. She'll let me get close when she wants to, and push me back out again to that 'just within reach' status.

i dont like it.

although actually, i must do, because i'm fucking falling for it. She's using her intelligence to play me along a treat, and although i'm a pretty inteligent guy, and although i can see exactly whats going on (i think?), i just cant seem to break myself away from it, even though i can already sense how the future would unfurl.

i feel such a mug for letting this happen, but i STILL just cant help myself! I have a friend, she keep stelling me that this is no good for me, and i know she's right! Even she says to stay away, and i trust her implicitly, but i just cant.

Its like the lure of the forbidden fruit.

She was my distraction, but now i need a distraction from her. i hope 'potential FB' ticks all my boxes

So im meeting up with somebody with a view to forming a kinda FB relationship. What im trying to achieve, is a level of closeness, whereby we can be close enough to be open, honest and try new things together, but not so close that we're 'answerable' to one another.
Someone who i can have a laugh and a drink with, but ultimately, we just want to use each other for sex, with no additional stress.

Is it possible? I mean, is it possible to have this kind of casual but regular relationship with someone, without getting emotionally involved? I'm sure it is possible, and i'm sure there are plenty of people out there that have had, or are in, such a situation.

The key factors are, that we have to be able to get on well with each other, and we have to find each other attractive. But isnt that the same qualities as you look for when you're first starting a normal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anyway?

And should it be a problem, if things did develop into a relationship? i mean, surely you'd know about each others dirty little secrets anyway, probably acted out each others fantasies...

Well, i'll be meeting her with a view of regular FB. If we get on well and we decide to go on with that, then great! We both get the sex and the companionship when needed, without the awkward bits. It'll be a first for both of us, so i guess we'll have to make up the rules as we go.

Can anyone offer advice on this??

She started texting again. Only every now and then, but it was nice to know someone somewhere, was thinking of me. Just the odd 'hey, hows things' type of message, but it was nice nonetheless.

Yesterday, she sent a text. Again, a hi hows things. I pondered what to do.

My head said ignore it.

In fact, it positively screamed out to me IGNORE IT!!! YOU'RE GOING TO GET BITTEN!!! STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!

i mused for some considerable time, then ignored my own advice, and responded... again, with a nice, simple, 'yeah im good thx, how u feeling now?' you know, just polite but with a question, to encourage a reply.

nothing. no beep-beep. no reply. once again, and i really dont know why, this girl has me on tenterhooks! Keeps me pacing, and sweatily watching over the phone, waiting for the beeps.

I KNOW i shouldnt!

I also know that its perhaps slightly abnormal!

She shouldnt be affecting me like this.

I started questioning my sanity, wondering if perhaps theres something emotionally wrong with me?

She has NO RIGHT to get me into this state!

i walked into the kitchen, then heard the phone in the lounge... beep-beep! was i going to be a cool dude, and finish off what i was about to do, before casually going back to the lounge, pick up the phone and see who just texted??

no. like a sad fucker, i sprinted into the lounge, dived onto the sofa whilst simultaneously grabbing the phone and pressing the 'show message' button.

Ah, my pacing and sweating, my questioning myself if i was actually some fucking mental dude, was all unnecessary, as the text was from you know who!

Trying not to look desperate, i waited a few minutes before i texted back with whatever it was i said, but it ended with i'm off to bed, goodnight, which got me a reply in only a few seconds...

with the all important 'x' on the end. i hadnt done that in any of my texts since the fatal phone call during the week, and neither had she.

i know its sad. i put x's on texts to all my girlie mates, so i definitely know i shouldnt pay too much notice of it. But i did.

I'm still questioning my sanity. I know this is going to hurt somewhere along the line. i know i should just forget about her and just stick to the casual stuff.

But i just cant help myself

Thursday night i made arrangements with S to meet up on saturday night for a casual NSA meeting. She was coming over to me(cue mad hoovering). We decided we'd go down the road to the local - this would give us both the chance to back out if either of us weren't happy. You know, you have to be careful in these sort of situations. Probably more so for the lady, so i'm happy to give the opportunity to say 'thanks but no thanks'.

So we ended up down the local. She was looking very good, short skirt, fishnets, boots... thats the sort of thing i like! Around 5'5 tall and of small build, nice! She was funny, and we talked about our various sexual experiences and some of the weird ones. The good thing with these kind of meets, you can be completely open. There's no pretenses, no worries about giving a bad impression. You're both (or more) meeting for one reason only, and thats for sex.

We chatted for a bit, flirted a bit, got a little touchy feely and decided to move on from the pub, and back to the 'predatory pad', via the chinese for something to eat. We ate food, then proceeded to eat each other. She loved giving oral, but especially loved receiving. Which was handy, as i love giving it probably more than getting. She would shout 'OH FUUUCCKKK' when she came, rather quite loudly, which was a cause for much amusement!

She'd brought an overnight bag, so i knew she wasnt going to shag and leave, which meant we were up for most of the night getting jiggy. She woke me in the morning to ask where teabags were and made me a nice coffee, and i (eventually) rolled out of bed and cooked us both breakfast. We chatted for a while longer, smoked, drank lots of coffee then she headed off home, and txt'ed just to let me know she got home ok. You know, even in these sort of meets, you have to be very respectful of each other, and its nice to know that the other person got home safely.

We'll no doubt keep in contact to pass on our stories to each other! There's no way i could compete if we went into a head to head on a 'see how many strange situations you find yourself in' though, as the single girls win hands down!

well, i've almost caught up to present day. After the last 4 antics, i was feeling pretty burnt out, and wanted a break. I actually felt a bit hollow, and that my life was missing something. i guess it turns out, i'd rather be with someone that means something special.

So, D started flirting with me through a certain popular 'social' website. It wasn't long before we arranged to meet up for a drink and exchanaged numbers. There was something about her, i cant put my finger on it, but there was definitely something special about her. Anyways, we ended up meeting a few days earlier than we planned, as we both happened to be in the same place at the same time. We went for a drink, tthen for something to eat. We got on very well, she was pretty, chatty, funny and VERY intelligent.

We had a nice evening, and on the strength of that, we both wanted to meet up again as originally planned.

So we did. She wasnt feeling too good, so we stayed in, she cooked a fantastic meal and i stayed the night, on the couch. Yes, i really wanted her! But, i kept myself honourable, i felt there was a spark there and didnt want to rush things! i had to leave the following morning as i had things to do, but i found it hard to drag myself away.

Things were fine for a few more days, texting each other like mad, all was sweet!

Then she turned cold, all of a sudden. The texts were few, and blunt. Hmmm... maybe she's not feeling too good? Theres a lot of flu going round... I decided i would leave it for the day and see what was up the next day. I didnt get the chance though, as she called in the evening to say that, well, we had fun but that was that.

well, that confused me! it really did. But, well, i just stayed cool, after all, we'd only met a couple of times so its not like we were in a lng term relationship or owt. She blamed 'issues due to the ex' but im sure thats a fairly standard 'its not you its me' type thing.

I still like her though... if it really is due to issues, well, i'm still here if she sorts herself out. i never managed to work out what it was about her that got me... maybe it was everything? i dont know. But the fact is, in a very short space of time, i fell hook line and sinker, and yes, it did hurt, even after such a short space of time.

i guess i'm a delicate soul underneath it all.

Well, that brings us up to present day. I'm going to be incredibly careful not to let myself into a position like that above. There was a euphoric high swiftly followed by a deeply sinking low. i didnt like the low, although if i could stay on that high forever, then i'd be happy.

i will try to keep a bit more up to date with things on here, instead of trying to catch up a month or 2 in one go!

I got home from work on the friday. my MSN popped up with Z being online, so i said hi and she asked how i was. Well, i was tired from work, so she asked if i was too tired?? Certainly nothing a quick shower wouldnt sort out! We exchanged numbers, i got the address, showered and set off.

Just after i left, the phone beeped with a message. "hi, i've had a great idea! The front door will be open, i'll be upstairs wearing something sexy. Just come in and help yourself! My boyfriend will be in the next room watching on the screen. Hope you dont mind if we video it?"

I'll be honest, that rang some alarm bells for me... i didnt know these people at all, and what if boyfriend turned psycho? Naked, in someone elses house and trying to defend oneself, wasnt really a prospect i fancied.

"yeah no problem, see you soon. i'll text when im parking up"

I texted my best mate with the address, and that if he hadnt heard from me by midnight, then start worrying. Yes, it did seem a bit weird for me.

Anyways, i parked up and texted, walked alojng the street and found the door slightly ajar. Walked in, took my shoes off and closed the door. I went upstairs to find what can only be described as a dark haired Kylie in very sexy underwear waiting for me!

I was nervous, and she clocked that fact, but she had a beer next to the bed ready for me, so we had a drink and a cigarette, relaxed a little and got on with things. She knew how to play for the camera, and took great pleasure in doing so! And heck, i wasnt complaining. She asked if i'd like to meet her fella, saying that she thought we'd get on well... so i said ok... well, it'd be rude not to, and she went to the next room to get him. A really nice guy as it turns out, and after a quick hello and stuff, we set about pandering to her needs.

We moved into the lounge, and continued what we'd started. She was very flexible and some of the angles she ended up in were shocking. But it was all good. We all chatted, had a good laugh, then my mate texted to check all was ok, so i explained to them how nerve racking it is to come into another couple's home having not met before, they understood where i was coming from.

If i had to describe Z in one sentence, she would be the Spinal Tap 11 on the scales. Beautiful, in perfect proportions, and a mighty fine host.

i'll try to fit a few in one post whilst im trying to catch up to present day...

the laughing girl...

after the bi-mmf 3some, i dropped an email to a girl i'd emailed a few weeks previously to let her know that i'd moved a bit closer. we'd informally arranged the possibility of a no-strings get together. we got chatting on msn. it was a monday night. it was around 11pm when i pointed out that it'd only take about 30 minutes to get to hers, so she invited me over.
i got there and parked up, and called rather than ringing the doorbell to the block. she let me in and promptly put the kettle on. that was nice :-) we chatted for a while before heading to the bedroom.
she was very giggly, which was funny to begin with, but actually got quite unnerving after a while! i had an overnight bag with me so i could go straight into work the following day, but i was paranoid about staying out in case i'd left a tap on or something (i had done that earlier in the day). And she snored. I woke her up and told her about the snoring, and explained my exit.

the drunken hairdresser

a few days later (thursday), and i was to meet L. Actually, she was going to cut my hair for me. We'd been flirting a lot online and she seemed quite nice and funny, there was an attraction there, except she was married/unhappy, and i was meeting her at her friends house so she could cut my hair. we were then going out for a drive into the country to get jiggy.
Unfortunately, she was half pissed when i got there. Still did a great job on the hair, mind! As we stepped outside, the fresh air got to her and she was legless... so i drove us out into the coutryside, she gave slurred directions and we pulled up in a lane leading to a country house. i was already feeling uncomfortable with the fact that we seemed to be pulled up outside a pikey encampment! there was a lot of fumbling, a phone call from the hubby (i stayed incredibly quiet despite wanting to burst out laughing). She was too drunk. We got it on in the front, but it was questionable about how much i enjoyed it... i dont really find that level of drunk, very attractive. I dropped her off round the corner from her house and she went home to hubby. She txt'ed the following day to apologise for being so drunk, i explained that it just wasnt my thing and i havent made any effort to get in touch again. Perhaps i feel a little guilty about not being in contact with her just because of that, but theres a big difference between being tiddly drunk, and not knowing what the fuck youre doing.

things got REALLY bizarre after that

but that is going to be deserving of its very own post...

actually, i think i was the predated rather than the predatory!

i received a message from someone, asking if i would be interested in a MMF with him and his wife. She was quite tidy, so i figured hell yeah, why not?

I met up with him in a bar, essentially so he could check me out and be sure i wasnt some nutter, i guess? I'll be honest here, i was fuckin' nervous. Seriously. Anyway, we had a quick pint then went off to their place. Sat down and chatted with him and his missus, she was a little nervous too, described it as being like a 'first date' sort of. We all ended up naked, myself and the guy started kissing and caressingt her, she loved the attention of 2 guys and kissing was her thing, and shortly after, the attentions turned to me. He was bi-sexual orally, and although im not bisexual, and i didnt find him attractive, i wanted to bone his missus. I'm pretty open minded, and when in Rome....

Anyway, we all had a good evening, but i dont think i will try man on man stuff again, it just didnt really do it for me. But no harm in trying.

as the nights draw in earlier, i'm going to start trying to find the time to get back on top of things with the blog.

Firstly, a quick update on my situation...

I'm all moved in! Bought oven, fridge freezer and mattress all off ebay (matress is new, dont want someone elses sweaty matress thanks).

As usual, during the first month of moving into a place, theres the daily drop of bills!

For some reason, the water board think that me, living on my own, without a washing machine or garden, and hardly ever here anyway, should pay the same as a family of 3 with a garden to water! Well i have decided to stand fast and refuse to pay it! There isnt a water meter here, and i'll assume they cant fit one, else the last guy would have had one fitted.

I picked up the keys mid november, and moved in a week later.

I have been a busy little predatory pervert as well, i can tell you!

Pick the keys up at 10am saturday, hurrah!

what i have got:
Sofa and chair, all reclinable (ebay, £56)
Microwave (£0)
Kettle, toaster, sandwich toaster (argos, £24.99)
Coffee Table (£0)
Bedframe (£0)
Iron (£0)
Plates,cups etc (£0)

plus stuff that i already had - lcd tv, xboc360, pc, laptop, printing equipment etc.

stuff i still need to get:
Oven
Fridge/Freezer
Mattress

And of course, Sky TV, broadband and the other essential 'cant live withouts'

i think that lot will cover the basic living necessities. Still plenty of other bits to get, but not essential...

stuff to kit out spare room as office, desk, etc.

you know how these things are though, there is ALWAYS something that you NEED but overlooked!

Anyway, i'm gunna start moving all my stuff in across the weekend, but with a heavy workload in the city, i expect it'll take me 2 weekends to shift most of my stuff, so i doubt i'll be moved in for a couple of weeks.

I had a call from the estate agents, and i should be all ok to collect the keys to the Predatory Male Batchelor Pad sometime during this upcoming week!

I think ebay will be busy with me buying stuff - oven, washing machine, sofa and so on! My mum, bless her, has been running around trying to 'get stuff' for me. I didnt ask her to. In fact, i'd really rather she didnt. I have certain tastes and she doesnt. Its really quite annoying and i might just get to the point where i'll have to tell her that if she's so damn determined to furnish the place, then why doesnt SHE go live there??

see, problem is, she'll 'find' stuff that she thinks is nice. I'll think its ghastly. But i'll have to have it anyway to not upset her. Problem is, i'll have to pick it up from wherever it is, take it to my place, shift it up the stairs and get it in. Realise just how much i hate it, buy something else instead. I'll then have to get the ghastly thing out again, load it up and get rid of it somewhere, pick up the new one, take it to my place, lug it up the stairs and sorted. So i'm double handling everything!

She's just announced that she's got me a double bed. Wooden one. I'll need to buy a matress and should be able to get one for £100. Thats great, except that i have my eye on a kingsize leather finished bed, so not only will i be £100 short on it, but i'll also have a matress that wont fit the leather bed.

I dont mean to come across ungrateful, because thats not true, its just, well, its MY place and i dont see the point of putting stuff in it that won't suit MY tastes.

I'm already compromising on the sofa's. Naturally, i want leather. Ideally, 2 x 2seaters. But as a cost saving, i'm compromising by getting fabric instead. Lets see what ebay can find for me!
Although i do confess, i tried a few leather suites today, with electric powered recline, and MY GOD they were nice! Having seen the price tags, i swiftly exited the shops.

The property i'm going to be renting is now empty, but the letting agency are waiting on references to come back.

How bloody frustrating!!

Been doing lots of online shop browsing of al the bits i need, bed, oven, sofa and so on... its going to cost a small fortune!

i have now been single for one whole week. although i'm still homeless, i'm temporarily at my parents'.

i have found a great 'pad' but it currently has tenants in it, but assuming my bank and my employer both give me good references, i should be in around early/mid november :-)

it's been probably 8 years since i've lived on my own, and to be honest, i'm really nervous about it. there again, i'm also really looking forward to it as well. there will be a host of new challenges for me, such as learning to cook! hmmm, probably a better idea that i find something too cook on first, and something to eat off as well! oh, i also need to get some furniture to sit on and a bed!

basically, i'm starting my life all over again from scratch.

scary!!

but like i say, i'm also looking forward to it as well. i'll be able to do as i please without having to take responsibility of be considerate of anyone else. yes, that sounds pretty selfish i know.

so i'm going to stay single. yes, i am! just have some 'no strings attached' fun and enjoyment. i think i deserve it and definitely the best way forward, certainly for now anyway. i'm a man with needs that need satisfying.

so... if anyone thinks they can satisfy my needs and fancies hooking up for some fun in a few weeks time, let me know ;-) :-D

a few life changing events have occurred, which i cant go into any detail with right now, but i will do once the timings a little better.

the futures bright, the futures kinda orangey-ish

Sure, there have been various celebrities that have been diagnosed as 'sex addicts', but is this really a celeb-only affliction??

i dont think so. I just think that a celeb will get away with being a sex addict, because he/she is a celebrity. Oh, poor xxxxxx, having to deal with being a sex addict....

i'm starting to believe that i, a non-celeb, am also suffering with sex addiction. Never does a minute pass during my waking day, when i dont think about sex. I cant walk down the street without looking at the females and thinking to myself 'mmm, i could give her some serious attention' or similar.

every minute, every hour, every day. 24/7

Yes. I AM A SEX ADDICT.

is this such a bad thing? its not like i'm some freak or pervert, i just love touching and feeling and tasting and thinking about the fairer gender.

is there a treatment or clinic to treat this sort of thing? does it need treating?

i dont know and its all so confusing right now.

doghouse.
again.

i cant seem to stay out of it. but the strange thing is, i really dont think i did anything all that bad. seriously, i could have been a whole heap worse!

but i guess its a perspective. i see it one way, she see's it a whole different way, as though it had been through an entire different dimension before getting twisted that final little bit on its re-entry coming back to planet earth.

Not for today anyway...

am sat at home, supposed to be loading up all my kit for a weekend away. I know i have to go to tesco to get food, and petrol station to get fuel, however, i am also waiting for UPS to turn up and collect a parcel. It would be typical for them to arrive if i pop out for just one minute.

I'll try and get some of my loading up done anyway.

on Day 10.

She caught me out on sunday morning. I fell 4 days short of my target. Shocking though, that there was 10 days between.

That could equate to 3 per month, or 36 per year. Thats very poor. And the realism of that depresses me.

yup. it's day 6 and my abstinence hasn't faultered yet!

my god i'm gunna explode....

you know, when the missus keeps shunning away from 'shexy times' and moans that your constantly harassing her for it, vicous circle scenario... you dont get it, you keep hassling for it, your less likely to get it and so it revolves...

i've always said that its when i stop wanting it, she needs to worry...

so anyway, its reverse psychology time!

thats right. i'm not going to harass her for sex, at all! not going to try to grope, molest, caress her or anything. i'm essentially going to be a eunoch!

for at least 2 weeks.

and if she happens to try to be the iniator, then i shall fob her off.

foot on the other shoe.

although in 2 weeks time i shall have plums like a fuggin' elephant and ready to explode.

The Dodo died
and Dodi died.
Di died
and Dando died too.

Dido must be really shitting herself.

"Go on, why are you here?? Leave!"

So on go my shoes and a t-shirt...

"i cant believe you would just go like that!"
cue tears n shite

eh?? but you just said... fuggit, i'm going for a ciggy

She only went and joined the gym last night!! I think it was the ironic touch of me offering her a double choc chip super sticky cookie whilst she moaned about having put on some weight... lol!

I cooked dinner whilst she was there, and she called to say she was on her way back. The gym is 6 mintes away, perfect - dinner would be ready in 15. Somehow, and i dont quite know how, it took her 40 minutes to get back!

so yesterday i was out of the house real early and off to work.

i sent the missus 4 text messages during the day, to which i didnt get a single reply.

i got home, had coffee, did washing up, looked into if there was any way i could make extra payments towards clearing her credit card without her even knowing about it, went to the tip to get rid of some oil and stale fuel and so on.

then the house phone rings. her eldest was sat next to (as in touching distance) from the phone but didnt answer it, so i chose not to walk through several rooms to get it. this was immediately followed by his mobile, which he didnt get up to answer, and then my mobile. which i answered.

"are the kids home?" yeah
"both of them?" yeah
"are they doing their paper rounds?" nah
"why not? havent you told them to? did you not walk past the big pile of newspapers when you walked in?"

excuse fucking me???? have they not walked past them several times themselves? has it become MY responsibility to tell them to do their own paper rounds?? i dont remember ANYONE waking up at 5 in the morning to make sure that i got off to work ok! i wish someone had, cos i didnt wake up until 6am!

"KIDS!!! can you get cracking with your papers please?"

(kevin the teenager mode)
"WHAAAAA!!! i'm doing them tomorrraaaaa"

well, i hope it really pisses down with rain, or even big fuckin hail stones. weather was dry and fine when i asked them.

of course, it could have gone...

"hi, its me! i'm sorry, i didnt get a chance to reply to your texts earlier, i was busy at work. could you please ask the kids to get on with their papers? thanks, see u in a bit..."

she's had a weeka nd half off whilst going between jobs, and said at least 3 times that during that time, she would join the gym...

having been the victim of a vehicle theft once already this year, i'm all for the fact that making vehicles, be it car or motorcycle, harder to steal is something manufacturers need to consider when designing the vehicle.

modern electronic systems, that code the keys (red key type scenario) is great!

yet somehow, thieving pikey lowlife scum seem to still be able to steal the vehicles!

it works like this... the ECU (electronic control unit) programs itself to work to a specific key. the key has a signal which is read by a reciever that looks for that key, and the ECU will only work on that key. The red key can also be used to program other keys.

so, the ECU, key, ignition barrel and receiver are all tied in together. And in some cases (my case) the dashboard is also tied in. You lose the master key, then its a big bill for a new ecu. if the ecu blows, then its a big bill for an ecu (but a new ecu from the factory will be blank, and will program itself once plugged in and red key inserted, locking itself to that key/receiver/dash)

try and get a second hand ecu, you will also need the red key, the receiver and the dash. Again, making it a right pain in the ass as the liklihood of the breakers yard having all these things from the same vehicle is slim!

so how on earth do these crimebags manage it???

if anyone can tell me the answer, please do!

i currently have a motorcycle with a blown ecu. not completely blown though. the bike will start ok but only runs on one cylinder out of 2. i have a borrowed ecu/key/ignition barrell/receiver and dash from an identical known working macine (which i tested) all fitted on my bike, which in theory, should work. but bikey no brrmmmm!

well, sort of

The M-i-L, who sold her houses last year and moved in with us 'just for a few weeks' has finally had her new house buy finalised and has fucked off to it! Yay!!

i packed as much of her shite as i possibly could cram into my van ready for her to drive off into the sunset, or flood plain, whichever...

she's ok though really. a bit scatty and a tad mental, but she's not a bad ol' gal. likes to give advice on how people are making mistakes with their parenting, which is kind, however, all of her own kids moved out/ran away before they were 16, so maybe she's the wrong person to give out advice?? i'm not going to bad mouth her though cos i honestly think she's ok.

but glad to get shot of all her shite from the house though!

well one of us is.

or would like to be.

the other, either says 'we can try that another time' (of course, that 'another time' never actually arrives) or calls me a freak for even thinking of that suggestion in the first place.

i couldnt remember how many times i've asked her to dress up a little, stockings, heels and so on... its not much to ask, is it? its not some abnormal freaky request, is it? its not as though i'm asking if her sister can join us, is it?

and theres not enough oral sex either. not on my part, i might hasten to add. it happens, now and then, not very often. but never solely as an act on its own. what happened to spontanous blow jobs just for the sake of it??

sexually frustrated.

well, thats what i wanted to say, however, it didnt quite come out like that.

we'd had a minor barney on saturday...well, she pissed me off so i stopped talking to her. very adultlike...

sunday night and she made it quite clear that she wasnt happy about things, that i felt like an outsider looking in and so on. i cant remember her words, if it sounds like its going to be a whinge, i switch off after about 3 words. I remember part of the whinge was because i'm always pestering for sex. Well, of course i am! i'm bloody sexually frustrated, thats why!

i skillfully brought this into the row at a carefully picked out moment, ie. when she eventually had to stop yapping to take a breath...

we both turned our backs and 'harrumphed' (is that a real word?) and got on with going to sleep. well, she did. she falls asleep if she sits still for more than 12 seconds. i on the other hand, am a bit of an insomniac.

in the early hours, i heard a rustling sound and spied a neighbours cat rummaging thru the rubbish bags. i went downstairs to shoo it away (carefully, cats round here are usually armed). i took this opportunity to scout out rightmove.co.uk for properties to rent in my area, just in case... damn its pricey round here!

then about an hour later, more rustling. this time it was a hedgehog. big, badass dude. he eventually scurried off.

more rustling, and this time it was a young fox, very cute! looked up towards me then carried on anyway. i woke 'her' up to see the fox (actually, i just did it to annoy her), then i went downstairs and opened the front door, which sent the fox scarpering. he didnt go far, he hid behind the caravan, and by the time i was back upstairs, he was back in the bins. i guess our bins have a higher class of rubbish than the neighbours.

i pestered her for sex (well, she was awake now anyway) and i guess i must have hit the guilt nerve earlier or something as my pestering succeeded.

how can it be pestering?? its not soley for my benefit, ya know??

aye, although she has mentioned joining the gym several more times since i last mentioned it.

actually, she even managed to go into the gym to enquire about membership. that was as far as it went though...

yup, this time it was in the lounge (yes, same room as my LCD telly...) i had to restrain him, and fortunately, i've had a lot of training in restraint techniques in the past, so i could restrain without leaving bruises or having to be 'forceful'.

i have no doubt that drugs are involved somewhere along the line, the evidence (torn, empty rizla packs that arent mine) is increasing.

so, how to broach this? We have a slightly instable kid, that is built like a young adult and has a violent streak...

my theory is find the dealer and break him, and that will send the message across...

but i'll be the first to admit that i'm totally unprepared for it.

Usually, i'm either confident cos its something i work with everyday anyway, or i'll read a techy book for a few days beforehand.

This one though, i've not even read a book. Although i do HAVE the book, at home, somewhere. I'll just try and wing it. It's not content that i'm unfamiliar with, its just that i dont delve deep enough into it to really know it.

fingers crossed!

So we're at a bbq yesterday, and the mum in law is in a funny mood, and i have no idea why. The other half goes to have a chat inside and they kick off with a row. Mum in law has been 'living' here for about 7 months now, but hasnt been back since yesterday.

I dont know what it was all about. Me and the missus had a talk today, about the kids, me, her and so on, and M-i-L came up in conversation suggesting that i dont have enough interaction with the kids. I dont know, maybe i dont? Maybe i dont know how to interact with a pair of teenagers? hmmmm...

i think this was partly spurned by the fact that the kids have had a week off, and done nothing around the house at all. On wednesday, i told them that the PC would not be available to them because they haven't bothered helping around the house and that all that they have done is make mess. I left it thursday, but when i got home thursday, plates, cups, bottles, glasses everywhere, washing up piled up, clothes washing bin emptied across the kitchen and so on... so i disabled their login's from the pc.

Friday evening, and mrs. put the pc on for them on her login, but for strictly 10 minutes only. M-i-L later asked why their logins had been removed, and i explained why. She then put the pc on for the kids. Great! why should i bother trying to let them learn that every action has a reaction??

Its got me thinking though, maybe it really is me? maybe its my fault that mrs argues with her family? maybe its my fault that the kids would rather throw their shit on the floor, instead of in the bin thats 2 feet away? Maybe the family unit, which sometimes i feel shut away from, would operate far better without me?

Or maybe i'm just not capable/ready to cope with irresponsible teens?

Mrs + kids have gone out to visit her sister. I chose not to go, saying i just wanted to chill for a bit, but really, i wanted to run a few things through my own mind. To be honest, i haven't really drawn any conclusions.

Maybe i should go back to a single life where i have no responsibilities to anyone else. It could be that i'm just selfish?

I did look thru whsmiths trying to find a copy of the book 'fitting in and coping with a ready made family with teenagers for dummies' but it would appear that no-one has written it yet.

our first line call desk is now based in costa rica. as a computer engineer, this is the sort of quality call logging i have to try to understand...

****
Network Printer

HP laser Jet 185ADN
Evaluations Special Printer.
No error messages on the PC or the printer.

*****

this was then updated:

*****
01/06/2007 11:32:16
Please assist.
Nothing at all.
*****

i'm not sure what i'm supposed to do.. reading the call, it tells me that a "HP laser Jet 185ADN" (no such printer in this building) has no errors, and that i'm to assist nothing...

great. a fine advertisement for offshore banking as well....!

Read This Carefully, Print it out and place it strategically around the house and LEARN!

Nine Words Women Use and their Definitions:

1.) FINE: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right, they know they are right, and you just need to shut up.
As soon as this word passes the lips of the woman uttering them, QUICKLY AND QUIETLY say "Yes Dear" and just do what you were asked

2.) Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means half an hour. Don't be mad about this, it is just the same 5 minutes you use when it's your turn to help do things around the house. Plan ahead. When you are told 5 minutes while the woman is A) Shopping, Getting Dressed, C) Making Plans to do something. Patiently sit down, play a game, read, or count ceiling tiles. Whatever it takes to keep you from saying "Are you ready yet? What is taking you so long" Otherwise go to #3.

3.) Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4.) Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! If she says Go Ahead, DON'T BE STUPID! She already knows what the outcome will be and is only waiting to rub your nose in your stupidity. If by some stroke of luck you are right.........You are screwed!

5.) Loud Sigh: (Usually accompanies rolling eyes) This is not actually a word but a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.) At this point, you should quickly do what you will be doing when she says "FINE" cut to the chase........tuck tail and just do it........or sleep on the sofa, your choice. Don't make any mistake. You will be sleeping there.

6.) That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake. You will pay. OHHHHHHHH, HOW YOU WILL PAY!!!! You're screwed, there is no fixing this. Just start kissing ass now and hope that it doesn't hurt too bad.

7.) Thanks: A woman is thanking you. Do not question or faint. Just say you're welcome.

8.) Whatever: Is a woman's way of saying "%@&* YOU!" Please see "Fine"........You will be there shortly, probably stop at 9, 3, and possibly 6 on the way. Trust me.

9.) Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do
several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "what's wrong" - for the woman's response refer to #3.

Now, also keep in mind. Some Women are actually talented enough that they can use all of these words together in less than 1 hour. Should this occur, You have NO HOPE. You are really, really screwed.

Good LUCK!!

A Muslim was seated next to an Australian on a flight from London to Melbourne, Australia

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Aussie asked for a rum and coke, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Muslim if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Aussie then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too. I didn't know we had a choice."

1. I work at one of the worlds leading financial institutes, in Canary Wharf, London. Although i dont work FOR the company.

2. I've been married and divorced once. I met her on internet chat (remember microsoft chat? bill gates has a lot to answer for)

3. i have no children of my own

4. people take offence at things i say. I just have a very dry sense of humour and a fast wit that only the more intelligent members of the human race seem to understand.

5. Despite being sarcastic, sometimes i'll come out with little gems of useful life advice.

6. i've had one 'outer body experience' at the scene of a road accident where i should in all reality, have died.

7. my 'banana' has a slight bend to the left. i'm right handed. but i tend to play cricket as a left hander. maybe i'm just odd, i dont know?

I hope you all had a good weekend :-)

I went up to Donington Park race track, to have a little play on a Ducati. Fortunately, the day stayed dry.

Firstly, i should point out that the Ducati wasn't mine...

I've since spent quite a few hours on ebay, buying parts, to replace the bits that i broke!

I've still as yet to make the phone call to advise its owner of its condition. All will be well, you bend it you mend it rule applies

I was wearing full protective equipment, i dont scrimp on that... leathers, boots, helmet, gloves, and all of it from reputable, quality names. I still ground through a fingernail and skinned a section of arm! Ya see, the protective equipment is not a guarantee to protect you from all injuries... it's there to REDUCE the injuries, not prevent them. Had i been wearing cheap, poor quality gear, well, who knows? But i am getting to a point here...

Kids on scooters should take note - adidas shell suits offer ZERO impact or abrasion protection... nike trainers offer ZERO impact or abrasion protection... no gloves either? dont worry... the first thing you'll put on the concrete when coming off the bike will be the delicate skin of your hands, its ok, once the skin's gone, it cant come off anymore! Coming off a scooter/moped/motorbike hurts. Wether you are doing 30mph or 100mph, it hurts.

Summers coming, and the kids will be out on their scooters again... heck, i was like them once! Folks, if you have kids on scooters, please PLEASE send them out with decent gloves (leather, not wool) and an armoured jacket as a MINIMUM. If they say its not cool, run a floor sander across their skin and ask if thats a better option!

Scooter kids dont want to wear a full one piece set of leathers... so... how about Draggin' Jeans (kevlar lined denim) as a cool alternative? Not cheap, but its a decent compromise.

yup, i'm a broken shell of the man i used to be.

ps. harem competition is off, due to lack of interest in competition. cant even GIVE shit away these days....

Cindy, a beautiful, well-endowed, young blond, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet...

As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs.
The sign says:

Pussy Eating Frogs
Only £20 each!
Money-Back Guarantee!
(Comes with complete instructions).

Cindy excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter: "I'll take one."

Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

Cindy nods, "Okay," grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Cindy takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do...

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into on a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed, spread your legs and put the frog down "there".

She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens!

Cindy is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it
says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store".

So, Cindy calls...

Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over".

Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell.

Cindy welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there".

Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me, frog! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the changing room of a golf club.
A mobile phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and began to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Darling, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes"
WOMAN: "I am at the shopping centre and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure,..go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2005 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "£70,000"
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000"
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of 900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand. It really is a pretty good price."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."
The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....
He smiles and asks:

"Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

its nearly the weekend, and so its nearly time for the weekend harem competition!

thats right, the competition is open to members of the harem only. As such, the actual competition itself will only be revealed to people on the 'friends' list.

Prize on offer... well the last prize was a bit shit, to be honest. So this time, its going to be something 'adult' themed... i'll go through my catalogues and pick something and announce it with the competition. But dont worry, it'll get delivered in discreet packaging.

How do you become a member of the harem??
Simply send a friend request and i'll add you to the list. But only if you're suitable harem fodder... i'm very fussy and you must be worthy of my harem. There are Harem rules, and these mmust be read and complied to. you can find them within the realnms of this blog.

Why Men are just happier people.

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last
name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take
care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can
be President. You can never be pregnant. You can wear a
white T-shirt to a water park. You can wear NO shirt to a
water park. Car mechanics tell you the truth.

The world is your urinal. You never have to drive to another
gas station restroom because this one is just too icky. You
don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a
bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Graying
hair adds attraction. Wedding dress~£1000. Tux
rental~£100. People never stare at your chest when you're
talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is
practically expected. New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle
your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are
over in 30 seconds flat.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase. You can open
all your own jars. You get extra credit for the slightest act of
thoughtfulness. If someone forgets to invite you, he or she
can still be your friend. Your underwear is £8.95 for a three-
pack. Three pairs of shoes are more than enough. You
almost never have strap problems in public. You are unable
to see wrinkles in your clothes.

Everything on your face stays its original color. The same
hairstyle lasts for years, maybe decades. You only have to
shave your face and neck. You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips. One wallet and one
pair of shoes one color for all seasons. You can wear shorts
no matter how your legs look. You can "do" your nails with a
pocket knife. You have freedom of choice concerning
growing a mustache. You can do Christmas shopping for 25
relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier...

LIFE IS GOOD! :-D

I have to go upstairs to the shower in a minute, I shocked my attacker by still having the scent of sex on my wand from last night.... this didn't put him off... in fact I'm not sure it didn't get him off further.

I have to pass by the spot where I was attacked and feel a touch uneasy... what if my penis gets grabbed and roughly handled again?

if I try to fight him, he whispers in my ears that he will throw me in the sea or cut my ears and nose off. Do I accept that I am just some Northern monkies fcuk toy or do I make stand and demand that I am treated with respect?

Is it possible to rape yourself?

At about 3pm yesterday evening I was sat in the office pondering on the day when I felt an urge to sexually assault myself. I wasn't in the mood and I didn't have a woody.

I took my own hands and agressivley ripped my trollies open and pull out my own genitals and began pumping f**k out of it.

At this stage I wasn't up for it, so helped the proceedings along by calling myself a dirty little slag and mentioned that I was gagging for it and the sooner I consented the quicker it would be over.

I did make myself climax, but I didn't really enjoy it. I am now sat in a corner feeling sorry for myself wondering if I should call the police.

I have no evidence on my body of an attack and as soon as I forced myself to eat it, in order that the evidence be destroyed.

I am getting similar urges again now, but am tired, I might have to visit the knife drawer..

Am I a rapist or a victim?

Was I asking for it? Was wearing tight jeans a mistake, am I giving out the wrong signals?

I've not been able to write much the last few days, i was away for the weekend and had some filthy durrty txt stuff going on

but i'd like to publicly announce that i slightly bruised my plums during a sporting event over the weekend.

i wonder if allowing the hair to fully grow might have absorbed some of the impact?? anyway, its not that bad, but some slight tenderness.

and i need to book into the chiropodist again. i'm sure she'll only look at my feet though. i'll ask.

You know when a 7 year old throws a tantrum... a proper tantrum... throwing all their stuff about the room, and smashing anything that isnt already solid... you know the ones i mean??

now imagine one of those tantrums, the same level of fieryness, except being performed by a 14 year old closing on 9stone...

it was a pretty minor reason. A minor punishment (not being allowed to go fishing on saturday) due to bad behaviour at school, and there were plenty of warnings. Part of the problem being, i think, kid's mum doesnt tend to follow up on the threat of punishment. It usually goes along the lines of 'your grounded' then the following evening he'll be allowed out. So i insisted to 'er indoors, that there is no way she should back out of this one.

Before long, heavy objects were getting slung around the kids room. The baseball and cricket bats went crashing on the walls, i told her to ignore it. More banging and crashing, i said to ignore it, he'd tire out soon... it continued... i figured he'd run out of stuff soon, but still it continued...

she almost got to the point of calling the police, but i said not to, as it wouldn't do any good and more likely to have a negative effect.

tv, playstation and other objects had been slung around, and the wardrobe (flatpack chipboard) smashed to bits. It loosely resembled Basra in there. But it was confined to his room only.

he then decided he was going out. it was 10pm, and out he went. It was chucking down with rain so i told her not to worry and that he'd be back within 30 minutes... 28 minutes later he was back. She and him sat and talked, but she hasnt backed down on the punishment.

Now, this may sound like i didnt have a lot of input, but there arent any books on 'how to deal with your partners rampaging kids' out there. i've been on the scene for a couple of years so I guess i've come at an awkward stage, with teen hormonal issues and stuff, so it cant be all that easy for him, but it aint exactly a walk in the park for me either!

i'll begin by saying that i never used to find the flame haired ladies attractive... but i have found that this has changed as the years have gone by.

Gillian Anderson, prime example... when i first saw her on XFiles, i thought, mmm, not bad, i guess... but now i find that she is HOT. Seriously hot!

And i cant help but pass a cursory glance at any ginger, and they are mostly fackin gorjus! ok, some arent. but i cant believe i spent so long in life missing out on these beauties!

i just bumped into one such example in this building. we see each other only occassionally, due to different floors and stuff, but we always exchange polite small chat. She's probably a few years older than me, late 30's, and she's always looked good, but today she looks absolutely fantastic!

We exchanged small talk whilst i fixed her printer. In reality, i wanted to slide my cock between her tits.

Ginger - like Guinness - an acquired taste?

..... drum roll ........

lazybugg :-)

well done for putting the effort in!

MyLot.com

I've had a look, it seems you get paid for everytime someone makes a comment.  I'm not exactly how/why though?

there are rumours going around, that Faceys_bitch is in fact me, using a different name.

i can assure you, that the blogger with the username Faceys_bitch IS NOT me. She will be away for a few days but the Mistress of the Harem should be back by the weekend.

I hope that clears up any rumours that may be doing the rounds.

Now, return to your embroidery.

yes! The harem has increased in its number. And in a similar 'time-line' style, the laziness has also increased.

There has been little and even NO effort from the harem for their weekend task.

I know the Mistress of the harem is away for a few days, and i know that the rest of the harem think that means they can relax, but it doesnt.

Suitable punishments will be dreamt up, however, there will be an opportunity to redeem yourselves before the punishments are awarded.

That is all.

This competition is open to Harem members only...

Roses are red
violets are blue.

i'm schitzophrenic
and so am i.

already, some of you dont seem to be taking this too seriously.

Therefore i have had to speed up the selection process for Mistress of the Harem, and a mistress has been appointed.

She will make herself known when she is ready.

Meanwhile, it has occurred to me that there are others out there that would like to join the harem, but are not completely aware of it. By applying to become a friend (subordinate), you will be considered for membership of the harem. Once accepted, you will be able to find the terms and conditions of harem membership.

Sorry, i was unable to complete my earlier post, however, its safe now for me to continue...

i first noticed suspicous activity quite sometime ago. Before the 7/7 bombs. I admit though, that the wool was pulled over my eyes and like everyone else around me, their disguises fooled me.

I still see them. In their lycra. Posing as 'joggers'. I dont know, maybe its an extremist uniform, or maybe its just more convenient to wear it. But everyday, i see these people.

They'll start by getting into their lycra and forming a small group. They discuss their escape route and do some simple stretching exercises. i guess this is to help prevent cramp whilst running.

They then go and practice their escape route by jogging away from the buildings. To be absolutely sure of the route, they return to the tall buildings.

Here's the scary part. They dont seem to be using explosives, or dirty bombs. No. They put their hands on the walls or supporting pillars of the tall Canary Wharf buildings (hsbc, bank of america, credit suisse, morgan+stanley/barcap, barclays etc), put their feet back, then try PUSHING the building down! To the untrained, it may innocently look like they are doing more stretching exercises.

A few times, i just walked up behind them and whispered 'itll take more than that to push this building over', thinking that the fact they'd been sussed might be enough to deter them.

i was wrong. it continues.

i have reported it to wharf security, and the security teams of the various buildings, but they seem to have been totally sucked in by this jogging pretense...

i dont know what i can do to prevent this, but i'm sure that, with enough pushing and shoving, these buildings will simultaenously come tumbling down.

MI5 arent interested either.

its true. I'm quite alert and hardly naieve, and on a daily basis, i spot 'would be' terrorists scoping out the area.

hang on, i'll have to explain the rest in another post, back in a bit...

Ha hehe he!

So i made the top 20 blogs. Im not sure how, cos to be honest, i just spout a load of bollox. But there again, at least the bollox i spout is usually honest, unlike most bloggers.

Where's this top 20??

well, if youre not logged into blog.co.uk and go to the homepage, it shows the top 10. click on 'see more' and there i am. a big picture of 'Jesus Loves You, But I Think Youre A Cunt' right there lol!

now, i really MUST get to the top 10...

Your Famous Last Words Will Be:

"So, you're a cannibal." What Will Your Famous Last Words Be?

Here's a question i've often pondered. Dont ask me why, cos i dont know, its just one of those questions that you ask yourself, for no real reason whatsoever...

Your on top of the building, be it office block, multistorey car park, whatever.

Your stood on the ledge, getting ready to jump.

But you get that urge. You know, the one that you feel when you just know you're going to need a piss. Soon.

And then it progresses. You're stood on the ledge, about to leap to your death, but now, you REALLY need to piss.

What would you do? Go for a piss first? Or just jump?

You Are a Tulip

You have a wild, experimental side that craves change. You often switch jobs and lovers, always looking for something better. But deep down, you're also very well grounded and content. And you will come to know that the life you live is already ideal.

Not really, but i bet that boosts the view rate. Amazing how pervy subjects entice people to read more...

I was going to copy/paste the contents of the filthy emails, but to be honest, i'd get a boner whilst reading them and have to go sort that out instead.

I was getting some strange looks, sitting on the train, reading my emails, with a dirty little smile on my face... i could feel my dick swelling and getting harder and harder, pushing against my trousers, practically trying to burst through by itself!

it's quite amazing how powerful written text and an imagination can be. I could picture myself being tied down as was being suggested, and used as a toy. And the thought of that got me so wound up and horny i thought i was going to explode right there.

needless to say, i couldnt sleep and had to wank myself senseless.

i feel so dirty and used

sounds like the title of a new album, maybe... anyway no, its not.

today, i have my very first subscriber!

Welcome :-)

i have so much to tell from the last day or so, and just no time to tell it...

its mostly been a whirlind of job interviews, putting boss of the scent of job interviews, saucy emails and crazed hard-ons induced by the reading of said emails...

amazing what goes on in a working day :-)

Its my second day of wearing a suit (not what i would normally wear) and colleagues/bosses etc are asking all sorts of questions...

where you been?
got a court appearance?
job interview?
etc

nope, just trying to set a good example to my colleagues, whilst maintaining a proffessional image in the workplace. Honest.

so i went out and bought some new shoes at lunchtime. Its amazing how something so simple can put an entire group of people into disarray!

Now they really think something is up!

You have received a personal message.

Am still trying to figure out the whole Jesus Loves you but i think you're a cunt thing. Av kinda try to work it out in my mind and i still dont get it. Jesus, Cunt in the same sentence, you think thats cool?
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is this for real?? its not rocket science! If you are a believer then you will believe that Jesus loves you, and thats his cross to bear(see what i did there??)

I had a weekend of what was, essentially, fucking up my hair.

I took the clippers to the groin and run a no.2 all over, mmm, nice n trim! that should be cool during the bizarre weather.

I then attempted something similar on my head, with a number 4 and number 3 combo.

So now i've had to do my head as a number 1 all over. It was the only way to fix it. But it looks ok, it shows off the head scars, and lets face it. Chicks dig scars.

Usually, i go to work in a pair of trousers, an old shirt and a musty fleece that has holes in the arm from 'demonstrating to the kids that launching rockets from your hands is neither big or clever' (ok kids! you see?? that is why you should NEVER fuck about with fireworks! - it was going oh so well until i had to improvise with that line and ignore the phospherous burning like napalm...) and if my attire gets commented on, i point out that i'm paid for my brain, not my look.

well, i decided that with the shaved head and goatee beard (yeah, i took that down to no. 1 as well), that i'd wear a suit all week. Timberlake stylee... with trainers.

I can barely breathe. It seems my waistline has increased a touch since i last wore this.

So the subject of anal sex came up, a bit of the brown lurve. When i say the subject came up, it means that i suggested it. Cant say i've known many females turn round and say "hey, i really fancy taking it up the arse". Shame.

She tried the ol' flattering let down technique, by saying "but you're just a bit too big for that and it hurts"

flattering, however my retort of "but my ex wife never had that problem, and shes got a much smaller ass than you" was delivered super smooth...

cue lots of swearing and name calling in my direction...

So we sat down to eat dinner, quite late last night. In front of the telly, late showing of eastenders...

Anyway, she finished eating. I looked up, and pointed saying she'd got some on her chin.

As she went to wipe her chin, i quite casually remarked "not that one".

It took a few seconds before she twigged, then various expletives were used in my direction!

Apparently, she's joining the gym on pay day now...

So, just how does one get into becoming a porn star?? I can only imagine that it would be easier for the females than it would be for us guys.

As for acting experience, well none really. Done a couple of bits on telly but only as 'bloke in background sipping coffee' sort of thing. Although i did manage to convince my ex wife that i wasn't having an affair and that she was in fact going crazy, and that took some serious acting i can tell ya!

From time to time, a small ad will appear in the paper asking for adult 'models' for film work. I would imagine that you turn up at a studio, pay a registration fee, they take some photo's, which you pay for and they say 'not too bad, could be some work coming up soon'. They send you the (badly taken) photographs in the post and you dont hear from them again. Effectively, you've paid £50 for half a dozen poor quality pictures.

i'm just guessing the above... honest!

Do some live performances on some of the less tasteful website out there (i have them in My Favorites if anyone wants them) and hope a producer is watching? But with this part of the internet being swamped, what are the chances of that??

No. i honestly think the way forward is for some clever PR work on something like myspace, to build up a following of expectant fans, and then pump out (literally! ) a pay per view showing. People can talk about it and put requests on myspace and you can start building up again for the next showing several months later. Notoriety, if you like.

So, at the train station is a coffee shop. There's a young girl that works there, i think she's italian, but i may be wrong. I'll ask. Quite plain looking, not a stunner, but not a munter either. i'll call her 'N'.

Anyway, she seems to be the only one there that can make a hot chocolate. I spoke to her boss a while back and requested that everyone else gets trained by 'N' on how to make a hot choc. The boss listened to me, had someone else make my hot choc, then had N make one, compared the difference, then had my input to the temperature - i'd also pointed out that none of the other staff seemed to take notice of the 'HOT' in hot chocolate. Anyways, we established a temperature and making technique and all is well.

I haven't seen N for maybe a month due to shift patterns. I was on the elevator heading out of the train station for a ciggy, when i saw waving hands from the coffee shop. N had spotted me and was waving frantically to get my attention.

Being a cool sort of chap, i just signed '5 minutes' and 'drink', and she registered that i'd have a hot choc, in 5 minutes. My sign for 'drink' probably looked more like sign language for a blow job.

Well, she certainly is an odd one... when i returned, my hot choc was ready, and dare i say, perfect! And she beamed a huge smile as she put it on the counter, then clammed up in shy-girl fashion and never said another word.

odd girl, but pleasant. and looks a little bit like a pixie as well.

Still, if i can get my hot choc made as efficiently as that, then i'm happy!

i will say though, i'm going to stop using that coffee shop. The prices have gone up, and not by just a few pence either, but by a whopping 27%