so, since my last post, u may have read that i dropped in weight to 68kg's, well, i've gained and now weigh 74kg's. Thats a couple above my usual weight.

i have been eating like a goddam animal!

which was pretty tricky considering i was also hospitalised for a bit of work on my jaw, but that only really affected me for a few days.

Younger woman stayed at mine for 6 nights during that time, to make sure i was ok and take the active nursing role, but she damn near tried to screw me to death! i was glad of the rest after i took her home.

i am not someone that needs weight loss programs. I'm one of those 'how the hell can he eat all that and stay slim' kinda guys, high metabolic rate etc.

so i managed to even myself out at a reasonable 11 and quarter stones. i'm 5'11. so although it's slim, my bmi sat right around the middle of where it ought to be.

anyhoo... i've been dropping weight. Its the bain of a guy living on his own... wake up, roll out of bed, put kettle on, shower, coffee, go to work. eat rubbish sandwich, bag of crisps, tall latte. get home from work, shove something in microwave. watch telly/porn on 'net, go sleep.

not really a healthy lifestyle, but cooking for one is not cost effective, quick or something anyone longs to do!

i'm down now to about 68kg's, just over 10.5stone, 150lb's, whatever unit of measure you want to use. I need to adjust my lifestyle and calorific intake to put weight back on. I've set my target weight as 12 stone(76kg).

using some pretty basic calculations, i worked out my calorie intake requirements. But one of my biggest problems was my diet. Again, the problem with living by oneself. I have no qualms with cooking. In fact, i really rather enjoy it! But... i cant just improvise by looking to see what i have and throwing something together. No. I have to decide what i fancy, look up how to cook it, then buy the necesseary ingredients. Half the things on the ingredients list i wouldnt have a clue where to find!

So i'm going to start a new blog, The single persons survival guide. It'll have basic but GOOD recipes in. I'm cleaning up my diet to incorporate more fruit and less junk and maybe i can encourage others to also.

i'll provide a link to the new blog when its started, but will still keep this one running )

oh wait! edit! i've now created my foodie blog! http://sps-guide.blog.co.uk/

if u recognise that phrase then you're as old as i, if not older!

im still about, been doing a lot of thinking. i still dont have the answers.

miss canada flew in for a couple of weeks, and we headed out into europe for a bit before coming back to england and seeing the sights. it was nice to have her here. However... it was also very weird... coming home, and finding someone here... freaked me out a little.

quite a lot actually.

it culminated with her last night here, when she asked how its been for me... and i just had to tell her that although its been nice, its been weird and an eye opener! Am i ready for any sort of relationship at all, let alone a really difficult one across 5000 miles?? i'm not sure! Yes, i think she is perfect for me, but, not right at this moment... so i had to tell her this, i couldnt send her back to canada then tell her a few weeks later... there were tears etc. i suggested that i probably just need a bit of time to work out what i want and if i can really do this, cos at the moment, i'm doubting myself.

what i DONT want to do however, is rush into thinking that i CAN do it, then putting myself, her and her daughter through more unecessary grief by realising that i truly am not ready.

I picked up a prgnancy test kit on saturday prior to younger womans arrival. She'd already pointed out that she didnt want to be pressured into taking it, and understanding how scary it must be for her, i respected that. However, theres no harm in being prepared, so i had the kit available in case she decided that she might want me to be there when she did it.

I didnt pressure her, i pointed out that we have responsibilities, and that its better to know wether we have something to worry about, than worry about something that might not actually be, etc. But i didnt press the issue. Whilst i was taking her home on sunday, she promised me she would take it on monday evening and that she wanted to be alone. Thats fine, but i pointed out that although i respect her decision, she was going to have to do it in front of me as well, else there was no way i could be 100% sure i wasn't being played. She understood and agreed, but still wanted to do the first one alone.

She texted monday early evening, saying that she felt a little guilty/selfish for saying that she wanted to be alone and that she would like me to be there with her. i couldnt, i was working. I would have liked to be there. Not through mistrust, but because i realise that she may have needed a hug more than anything else in the world right after.

It came out negative )

She's still going to do another test at the weekend as a double check though.

How do i feel about it?? hmmm... i'm not sure! on one hand, i wont deny that im hugely relieved!
On the other hand though... well, that could have been a child, my child, our child. Sure, not the ideal circumstances. But deep down, i think she would make a great mother, and no way would i let her struggle on her own and be a 'father on the end of a phone'. She thought it would ruin our lives. I think it would CHANGE our lives, but not ruin them.

Anyway, regardless... i'm pleased she finally took the test. Actually, i'm proud that she did. I listened to her and understood why she was scared. She listened to me and understood why it needed to be done, she stepped over her fear and did it. Yeah, i wish i'd been there. I'll be there at the double check.

So me and the young lady had quite a bit to talk about (see earlier topics) so she agreed to meeting up on saturday evening. I suggested we have something to eat, so maybe we go out somewhere for a meal and a chance to talk about stuff.

Of course, we seem to be incapable of talk and it was pretty obvious where it was going to be heading...

She decided to try one of the Anne Summers 'Litlle Blue Pills' and i swallowed down a Janumgra. And after a little more wine, we took another one each just for the hell of it.

I have to say that the Janumgra, despite being sildanifil based (just like viagra and kamagra) didnt have the same effect on me as the kamagra did. It didnt really matter anyway, as we both enjoyed a thoroughly good evening/night/morning of it, but the kamagra made it stay hard even 'between' sex, and the janumgra didnt, despite doubling the dosage.

SIDE EFFECTS: i suffered from a bit of heart burn. Now, this could have been the curry i cooked us, it could have been the smoking, or it could have been too much sex. But as the latter 3 dont usually cause me to suffer with heart burn, and because i used double the recommended 24hur dosage, i have to assume it was the Janumgra.

She also said that the Little Blue Pill didnt seem to do anything for her. Although that's probably just as well, seeing as she has possibly the most enormous appetitie i've ever experienced. I'm starting to wonder if in fact she's actually a cyborg?

Hmmm... been checking out the dates and times of text messages received by phone, regarding her doctors appointment for blood tests etc.

and by my reckoning, its very possible that she can be telling the truth about thinking she's pregnant.

fuck.

although she hasn't yet taken a test to find out for sure. Putting myself into her shoes, i'd be bloody terrified too. I guess she's burying her head in the sand a little.

We've agreed that we really need to talk about this properly, WITHOUT it ending up in bed! Although im not sure when that'll happen as we're both busy for a few days.

So my delivery of Viagra from overseas actually turned out to be Janumgra instead. Although its still Sildenafil Citrate so i figure, as per Kamagra, its a generic name.

Shame, as i'd like to test proper Viagra to see if there is any difference.

So, now i have a few packs of Janumgra, and a few packs of Kamagra... Unfortunately, i'm not sure i want to continue testing, i seem to be in enough trouble as it is!

i'm quite jealous of Jay Z. Not because of the 99 problems, i have far fewer problems than him. But because a bitch aint one of them.

The eager keen 21 year old was getting emotionally attached, and i figured that wasn't a great thing, as although she is hot, and cute, and ok, yeah, i do like her, there was no intention of emotional attachment on either of our parts. She also has some psychological issues that she finally told me about a few days previously. On monday, she asked me about wether i could see any long term future between us.

Whoaa!!

I've not tried to lead her into thinking there was more to this than there actually was, and in the interest of preventing more upset/pain than necessary, i had to put her into her place. Right away. I've probably not been as open and clear about it as i should have been, and i found that the more i've gotten to know and her know me, the more important its been to talk to her about this, but the harder its become. But now, it had to be right away.

So i said 'yeah, about that... i'm not going to be in the country next year'. Pretty delicate, i thought... this was followed with questions such as 'so you got wife and kids out there?' etc. We chatted on msn for a while. The chat seemed to be based on me being an ass and how much she hates me, no she doesnt hate me, she wants to hate me, but she cant hate me, she's going to kill me etc. We then agreed to meet up the following evening for a drink and a chance to talk about the whole thing face to face.

So we met up and went for a drink and talked. She asked about the whole canada thing and i said yep, thats where im going. probably first quarter of next year. and she talked about how she'd fallen for me etc. How low did i feel???

she then told me that she thinks she may be pregnant.

the rest of the night is a bit of a blur as far as conversation goes. All i remember is somehow, we ended up back at mine and fucking for the night. She suggested staying at mine whilst i was at work but i said that would be too weird, and i packed her off to the train station.

of course, i dont believe for one moment that she really does think she is pregnant. We've been careful. And more likely to be a reaction to my statement of i'm leaving the country. After all, 4 weeks is borderline too soon to have any indication. I'm more concerned about her mental state of mind. She's no stranger to a razorblade.

So in my mailbox was
'Little Blue Pill' by Anne Summers. I'm a bit dubious about this one, as its a herbal thing, and i was so impressed with the Kamagra that its going to be difficult to live up to...

I also had some more Kamagra arrive.
When you leave a 21 year old girl wondering how on earth she's gunna keep up with you, and wanting more, you know you've found something that works and works well!

I'm still awaiting for legit Viagra to arrive. This is being shipped out from overseas so may take a while.

I'm seeing the younger girl on saturday. She's young, keen, eager and enthusiastic, i dont think i'll test the 'little blue pill' but go straight to the already proved kamagra...

So i didnt get to test bona-fida Viagra just yet, but managed to get hold of some Kamagra 100mg.
Kamagra contains Sildenafil Citrate, which is the same as Viagra is based on. Apparently it IS Viagra, but manufactured by a different pharmaceutical, who obviously cant use the trademarked name.
I was with the younger girl last night, and i'd been stressing myself out that i may have problems like before, and, well these things cause a vicous circle... so at an opportune moment, i slipped away to the bathroom and popped down a single 100mg pill.

So, down to the nitty gritty...

the effects:
Pill taken at around 8pm, with water. I was already fairly aroused, but vey soon after i had a good rock solid stiffy and within 30 minutes we were naked in bed.
So we got it on and got jiggy, there was no way this was going to go the same way as before. It was up and staying up, and after sex, it stayed hard and we were at it again and again. Yes, this stuff worked a treat and by the morning, she was less worries about me keeping up with her, but more worried that she might not be able to keep up with me.

side effects:
it made going for a piss quite awkward.

Ingredients:
Rhodiola Rosea, Cynomorium Songaricum, Tongkat Ali, Leuzea Carthamoides extract, Siberian Ginseng extract, Schisandra Chinensis extract, Schisandra Chinensis, Muira Pauma, Saw Palmetto, Damiana Chuchuhuasi, Guarana Seed, Cayenne, Grape Seed extract, Kwaopet.

150mg capsule.

Taken at 9:45pm.
I was alone, which may not be the best way to test these things out, and its possible that the cough medicine could have had an impact.

I got chatting with someone on msn, and by 10:30, i had a hard-on. Nothing different from my usual one, no added length, girth or improved hardness, just a standard boner. When left alone for a while, it went back to flaccid.

No strange side effects, no sustained erection. Just my usual boner.

So, that one really didnt have any effect on me. Perhaps an increase of dosage to 300mg next time.

Check back for my next trial!

I cant tell you the truth. not just yet at least. but considering the issue i had just recently, i am determined NOT to fall into that situation again.

So im going to conduct some experiments with some of the drugs that are available on the market these days... Viagra, Cialis etc, we all get the emails, but i'm going to use my contacts to secure some safe samples, for research purposes...

i'll be scientific about it. We all know that the advertising that goes with these things can be slightly bending the truth.

So the target drugs to begin with:
Golden Root Complex
Little Blue Pill
Viagra
Cialis

i'll start tonight with the Golden Root... results to follow )

Well, i had a fantastic time over there and got on superbly with 'miss canada'. We spent a night in Vancouver before heading up to hick-ville, then onwards to some scenic areas where i got to spend some time chasing wild animals and falling down mountains!

She's coming over here in may for a couple of weeks.

Since i got back, mad irish girl texted to say she was in the country for a few days, then she called on her last night, asking if i wanted to hook up.

I told her no.

thats right! i turned her down! She sounded a bit dissapointed, so i texted her in the morning, and she was ok with it.

hmmm... what else? I had a bit of a play with a younger woman (14 years younger...) although this was possibly the most embarrassing night iv had in a long time... pretty, young, fine-bodied, eager girl, naked and incredibly keen, and i suffered from erection problems.

"how could this possibly happen right now???" i thought! it wasn't so much a problem getting it up, but keeping it up long enough to actually do anything about it just wasn't happening.

i canb tell ya, it was a real blow to me, but poor girl was convinced that there must have been something wrong with her... she seem's pretty fragile, so i'm treading VERY carefully, i dont want to damage her more than she already has been.

Nah, not permanently... but i am fucking off for a few weeks! So im starting a new blog to document my journey )

who knows, you may even see me in some of the pictures on there! it will be semi sensible, but with a healthy unleashing of humour unto the Canadians... and the french canadians will see no mercy )

anyhow, yup, thats me from saturday! so this one will be inactive for a couple of weeks.

yes, just one day after my previous entry, where i mentioned that YKW doesnt seem to affect me anymore, and i ended up spending the night with her.

If you recall, she lives right near wher i work (Canary Wharf). So she called me up in the morning, having some internet access issues. i diagnosed it over the phone and advised accordingly. A bit later, she popped into the wharf shopping centre. Our building got evacuated due to a fire! She called, but i didnt answer, i texted her to say not a good time, being evacuated. She replied 'i know just checking ur ok'... which was sweet. So i met her at our evac point (caused a bit of gossip amongst my co-workers) and as the building wouldnt be opened up for a few hours, YKW and i went off for coffee. We had a pretty good chat and go on ok, eventually, i had to meet up with co-workers and deal with the IT mess of sprinkler systems going off.

she called a bit later, having problems setting up the equipment she'd just bought under my recommendation, so i said dont worry, i'll stop by and set it up. So i dropped by her place after work, she cooked dinner and opened a bottle of red, and before we knew it, it was 11pm and no way was i going to be able to get a train home. Si i stayed the night.

Nothing happened. We chatted, we had a laugh, we went to bed together with nothing sexual other than a bit of playful groping, and we curled up and went to sleep.

Sure, if things had gone a little different then yes, id've boned it. But it was nice as it was without anything sexual going on.

i had to go to work in the same clothes as i wore on monday, which again, caused gossip amongst my colleagues....

Its been nearly 2 months since my last post!

I was starting to think that 2008 wasn't going to be a sex year for me. I'd gotten fed up with the string of random shags and as explained in a previous post, as much as the sex is good, i do miss the intimacy. So i haven't really been too bothered this year at all.

A turned into a bit of a stalker... texting me everyday, calling pretty much every other day. That was a bit too much considering we met up purely as a NSA arrangement. But i had a chat with her and all is ok now. Texts just occassionally, which is nice and we're still friends.

I'm heading out of the country next week for a short while. I should start another blog about my adventures in a foreign land )

So yes, i did break my 2008 vow of chastity just the other night. She's local-ish which is good. I dont think she's wanting a relationship as such, more of a 'going out buddy' so this could be just ideal... Although that said, i've done most of the contacting since, so perhaps she was just using me for sex? Thats essex girls for ya! Although it was damn good timing by her as i was feeling so horny that evening... she contacted me via a dating website, it says quite clearly on my profile that i'm not looking for a serious relationship. We then chatted on msn, and within a short while she'd invited me over. Nice!

YKW has been in contact as well... calling me and dishing out her problems down the phone. She doesnt have the effect on me that she did before christmas so i'm glad of that. I told her i was heading out of the country, she said we should get together for a 'drink and whatever' before then... hmmmmm...

IU dont usually bother myself with them... i used to say the usual, give up smoking (never did it), go to the gym more (nah) and so on, then i just decided to stop doing them.

Well this year, i decided to give myself some targets for the year. Realistically achievable, but not easy!

1. Learn Russian.
2. Complete verious trade certifications.

Ok, learning Russian is one thing, but i want to be able to read and write it too, which means a new alphabet! Bear in mind that i didnt fare so well in French GCSE, and dropped out of Spanish GCSE. Although to be fair that wasn't because i couldnt do it, it was more due to the ADD. Anyway, i'm never going to learn Russian to a high standard in a year, but if i can grasp a GOOD understanding of the basics, then i can build up on it over time.

As for the certifications, these are globally recognised, and, well i wont hide the fact that i really dont want to remain in the UK for too much longer. Although i have enough cert's already, the simple fact is that my company will pay for all the exams and training materials for me, so i may as well get over-qualified. It opens more doors and options.

Hey!
Well, A went back home, has texted a couple of times since but its been cool.

Have barely heard from YKW, which is good.

I needed a distraction, i by god did i get one! Several,in fact. It's caused me a lot of stress and brain ache, I've decided to quit the short term seual adventures. As much as they were at the time, i have to admit that they just werent satisfying me mentally.l Thats not something i thought i'd hear myself say.

So, why is it all so confusing right now? I have a couple of potential lurve candidates. And the problem i have is, they're both fantastic in different ways. I know i cant consider dating both of them. In fact, due to the mileage, dating one of them would be very hard, although that said, for the right person i'd be more than happy to fly thousands of miles. And i truly believe that i could be monogamous in the months that we'd be apart. Both are keen on me. But i dont want to mess anyone about or cause any upset. But i just cant pick between them. Part of me says cut them both off, but i'd be cutting my nose off to spite my face.

Candidate 1.
23 years old
No children
Wants: Marriage, kids
Beautiful
stunning eyes and smile
medium build
distance: approx 7 hours fly time.

Candidate 2.
35 years old
one young child
in process of divorce
Wants: Stable, caring relationship
Stunning eyes and smile (in fact, a certain way she looks at the camera actually stops me in my tracks)
larger build
distance: approx 14 hours flytime

I've spent more time speaking to #2 online, but mostly because as soon as i've got in from work she's been online. In fact i haven't really had any 'me time' to do my shit. Although i've been speaking to #1 over a longer period of time. I'm attracted to both i would say, in equal measures. #2 will send a text and an email (to home and work), to ask when i'll be online... (slight stalker tendencies?) and claims to be smitten (this worries me a little)

#2 strikes me as possibly the more sensible option of the 2. Within a year of my own age, has been through her own shit and is probably less likely to hurt me. Downsides - has a daughter, is still going through divorce - so emotionally may not be as sound as she thinks. Constantly paying me complments, which i find awkward :-(

#1 i have to admit, is less sensible. Theres an 11 year age gap, which worries me a little, although it doesnt seem to bother her and she does seem very mature and want for the more mature adult things. More likely to hurt me. Doesnt send me texts and emails, she'll just leave a message on msn to say Hi, and if we happen to both be online, then we'll chat for hours. I send her a txt in the mornings (her time) to wake her up! (slight stalker tendancy from me???)

#1 i'm supposed to going over to visit sometime, no exact date set, just let her know.
#2 has been trying to rush for the end of this month to coincide with time off that she has. I felt this was too rushed so casually tried to delay without sounding like it too much. She then checked her airmiles and was going to fly here. I've had to say look, i think thats just rushing things too much.

i'm not sure quite how this situation arose actually. i've gone from very short term casual flings, to wanting mongamous relationships across thousands of miles! AND, despite never having physically met either of them, i really feel that i dont want to hurt either of them :-( i feel i connect stronger with #2, but thats possibly because she has actively pushed herself onto me?? i dont know! I really dont think i need the hassle of someone trying to take up every spare minute of my day, however, i do feel a connection.

as for the midlife crisis???
my biological clock is ticking! yes, that thing that i thought only women had... seems to have suddenly snuck up on me. The thought of having A child always terrified me. But now, the thoghts of having a child, maybe several, is warming to me scarily fast.

There was also #3, 44, flytime approx 11 hours. Very sexy looking girl, grown up kids moved out. But my ADD soon got me bored of her.

#4 is someone i've been email/txt flirting with for, well, since i started this blog! Married, 4 kids. If she's reading then she already knows who she is. We've been so close to meeting several times but always fell at the hurdle. Perfectly suited, but, well, we'll meet sometime i'm sure. What will happen there i dont know, we've talked about it many times but theres bricks in the way. Maybe a pasionate romp??

Lifes too scary. Stop the world, i want to get off.

A was over last night. Actually more to the point, i picked her up, which meant i had to drop her back. She called on friday wanting to meet up sunday, i said yeah, thats cool. She said it'd be nice to be able to have a lay in on monday morning with me, as hub's (seperated) would be picking the kids up sunday morning. Yup, about that... news for you... i'll be catching an 8am train to go to work, so kiss goodbye to a long lay in!

So that meant that we had to get up around 5 so i could drive her home and get back in time for the train... i set an alarm for quarter to.

After an evening/night of adult fun, which included sex, massages, showering (not the golden sort) and more sex, we eventually got to sleep at about 2:30am. Alarms went off, which i blissfully tried to ignore, but she decided she was going to be had at that time of day, and grabbed me. Demanding girl!! Shit, i'm in my 30's now... 15 years past my prime, and she is just starting to approach hers!

*********

You know who called me again yesterday, asking about my plans for new years eve. She'd previously invited me to a do, but it was a very casual invite rather than a firm thing, i said i'd check back with her nearer the time.

I still dont understand her. She is definitely keeping me at arms reach so that if she decides she wants a relationship, then i've (foolishly) been kept hanging on for that... thats my verdict, at least.

I let her know that i'd made plans to go out with friends for the night. She was going to call me back a few minutes later, but never did.

I'm so proud for not letting myself be the lapdog! )

Have a great new year everybody!

'A' has been texting me most days since our little excursion last weekend. Even called me unexpectedly.

She flies home next week though, so i dont expect the texts and calls to continue.

We're meeting again on sunday :-)

continuuing from yesterdays blog... I had arranged to meet 'A' at a pub in the town she was visiting. I got a little lost on the way but it was soon established where i actually was, and A, being driven by her sister, came to find me and i followed them to the pub.

We all went in for a drink and a chat, big sis obviously wanted to check that she hadnt sent little sis off with an axe murderer! It was fely i was safe, and she left the 2 of us. A was really nice. Recently split with her husband and was just trying to get 'out there' again. We had a few drinks (i was driving so hit the coca cola) and had a good chat. She was hilariously funny, a slightly warped sense of humour, easy to talk to and we both relaxed quickly.

So we jumped into my motor and headed off to mine. The fog was amazing, couldnt see a damn thing out there! Eventually got back to mine, had a drink, listened to some music, went off to the bedroom and got naked. We got on really well, and she was the cuddley sort, which was nice as i do like a nice cuddle.

She needed to be back by some ungodly hour of the day, and woke me up in the nicest of ways ;-) and we set off back into the fog.

So another meaningless night of sex, although that said, she was really personable and i enjoyed her company as much as anything else, so it was a very pleasant evening :-)

Well, remember i had to abandon the car the other day?? Actually, it was my van. I had to find a way to get to it, with another car so i could jump start it. So i got in touch with my ex yesterday and she said she'd pop over no problem. Well she IS still driving my car about several months after we split... go figure? i had 24 hours to find somewhere to live, yet its taken her months to find a replacement car! So anyway, she dropped me a text this morning to let me know she'd be on her way.

YOU KNOW WHO CALLED

YKW called. she didnt text, just called. that was a surprise! we chatted for a bit, she unloaded her all worries onto me (why??) and talked about her xmas and new year plans, telling me that she couldnt bear the thought of spending xmas on her own, sat in front of the telly, so she's arranged to go out for a meal with friends.

When she asked what i would be doing, i pointed out that i was spending xmas, on my own, sat in front of the telly. She invited me out for new years, but i'm not so sure. She really has no idea what she's putting me through and i think is an entirely innocent party in all this. That, or incredibly devious.

EX ARRIVES TO BAIL ME OUT

Then the ex turned up, with her friend. She'd never been round here despite various promises that she'd drop by, so she was quite surprised at how big this place is. We had a couple of cups of coffee and went off to retrieve the van. She left a laptop with me for a quick repair job, as i'd previously arranged to fix it. Now, for obvious reasons, i wanted to keep my antics completely unknown to her. Sure, its got nothing to do with her, but all the same, she doesnt need to know. So it was with great discomfort that as i was closing the door to the van, her mate spotted a lipstick/lipliner thing in the door and said that she didnt think it was my colour....

Great! How did i miss that being there?? I picked it up and asked ex if it was one of hers, which she replied 'its definitely NOT one of mine'. so what else could i do, other than put it back and look confused as to where it came from??? Still, there were no questions asked, and i'm popping round to see her tomorrow to drop the laptop back off. Maybe it'll be questiontime then??

HI MY SISTER WOULD LIKE TO MEET YOU
eh? I had no plans for tonight. Just sit in, watch a bit of telly, whatever! Then a message pops up, saying that her sister was visiting and thought i looked ok, would i be interested?? A bit of msn communication, numbers swapped, and i'm showered, cleaned and ready to go out for the evening....

well, i must say that i'll be pleased to see the back of 2007. it hasnt been my finest year. I'd like to see the year out with a fat bottle of vodka, and a trip to the vets to steal a bag of horse tranquilisers.

I keep a brave face on the outside, very happy go lucky. But inside, well, i'm just slowly slipping into social unconciousness.

I feel im getting further and further away from life itself. Its just how i feel right now. I know that once the new year is done, i'll be back to my normal, realistic self. Or at least i hope i will be. I like to be open, say what i think and what i see. It might make people think bad of me, but it could be worse, i could be a liar just putting a sugar coating on to make life seem that little bit sweeter.

I REALLY need a distraction! i'm rattling around in here, on my own, with absolutely fuck all to look forward to. i thought id get used to it, but i havent. my life, or lack of it, is startinjg to eat away at me. Even the casual nsa sex stuff has just felt empty. great at that moment in time, but afterwards?? i think i've grown out of the whole 'notches on the headboard' game.

i'd like to think that i'm intelligent enough to balance this all out with reasoned thinking and find a sensible solution, but i dont know, i'm kind of up and down in my mental state. I'm obviously smart enough to be able to analyse myself as im typing this.

bah humbug!

Yup, potential FB is a no go. Although she was actually very good looking and nice to talk to, there was just no physical connection there whatsoever for me. And i think that was the same for her too.

Shame, cos i had a fuggin nightmare getting there, and getting home too, having had to abandon my car and take taxi's instead - also cost a small fortune!

Back to the drawing board

its been a few days since i heard from 'she who uplifts me with a simple text'

and i knew that this was probably for the better, too.

after all, my head is still telling me that she's not going to be good for me... she will take my heart and rip it up. and i promised myself that i WILL NOT let myself be put in that position.

i dont understand her, i cant figure her out. one minute she'll be nice as pie, and the next, pretty cold and blunt, unless of course, thats just the way it comes across.

so why the fuck did i text her this evening???

do i really need to set myself up for the big slippery downhill slalom?? iv never been one for skiing anyway.

well, my text was met with, what i consider, to be a pretty blunt reply, one word answer. For an incredibly intelligent girl, i would expect more than that from her, so i have to consider it as a bit of a cold response.

i wanted to reply. but didnt know what to say. i tapped in a few words, then deleted them. tapped in a few more, and deleted again.

again and again!

eventually, i just said goodnight. which was replied to with a sweet goodnight message.

i think she's playing me. she's keeping me just within reach, not letting me get close. She'll let me get close when she wants to, and push me back out again to that 'just within reach' status.

i dont like it.

although actually, i must do, because i'm fucking falling for it. She's using her intelligence to play me along a treat, and although i'm a pretty inteligent guy, and although i can see exactly whats going on (i think?), i just cant seem to break myself away from it, even though i can already sense how the future would unfurl.

i feel such a mug for letting this happen, but i STILL just cant help myself! I have a friend, she keep stelling me that this is no good for me, and i know she's right! Even she says to stay away, and i trust her implicitly, but i just cant.

Its like the lure of the forbidden fruit.

She was my distraction, but now i need a distraction from her. i hope 'potential FB' ticks all my boxes

So im meeting up with somebody with a view to forming a kinda FB relationship. What im trying to achieve, is a level of closeness, whereby we can be close enough to be open, honest and try new things together, but not so close that we're 'answerable' to one another.
Someone who i can have a laugh and a drink with, but ultimately, we just want to use each other for sex, with no additional stress.

Is it possible? I mean, is it possible to have this kind of casual but regular relationship with someone, without getting emotionally involved? I'm sure it is possible, and i'm sure there are plenty of people out there that have had, or are in, such a situation.

The key factors are, that we have to be able to get on well with each other, and we have to find each other attractive. But isnt that the same qualities as you look for when you're first starting a normal girlfriend/boyfriend relationship anyway?

And should it be a problem, if things did develop into a relationship? i mean, surely you'd know about each others dirty little secrets anyway, probably acted out each others fantasies...

Well, i'll be meeting her with a view of regular FB. If we get on well and we decide to go on with that, then great! We both get the sex and the companionship when needed, without the awkward bits. It'll be a first for both of us, so i guess we'll have to make up the rules as we go.

Can anyone offer advice on this??

She started texting again. Only every now and then, but it was nice to know someone somewhere, was thinking of me. Just the odd 'hey, hows things' type of message, but it was nice nonetheless.

Yesterday, she sent a text. Again, a hi hows things. I pondered what to do.

My head said ignore it.

In fact, it positively screamed out to me IGNORE IT!!! YOU'RE GOING TO GET BITTEN!!! STEP AWAY FROM THE PHONE!

i mused for some considerable time, then ignored my own advice, and responded... again, with a nice, simple, 'yeah im good thx, how u feeling now?' you know, just polite but with a question, to encourage a reply.

nothing. no beep-beep. no reply. once again, and i really dont know why, this girl has me on tenterhooks! Keeps me pacing, and sweatily watching over the phone, waiting for the beeps.

I KNOW i shouldnt!

I also know that its perhaps slightly abnormal!

She shouldnt be affecting me like this.

I started questioning my sanity, wondering if perhaps theres something emotionally wrong with me?

She has NO RIGHT to get me into this state!

i walked into the kitchen, then heard the phone in the lounge... beep-beep! was i going to be a cool dude, and finish off what i was about to do, before casually going back to the lounge, pick up the phone and see who just texted??

no. like a sad fucker, i sprinted into the lounge, dived onto the sofa whilst simultaneously grabbing the phone and pressing the 'show message' button.

Ah, my pacing and sweating, my questioning myself if i was actually some fucking mental dude, was all unnecessary, as the text was from you know who!

Trying not to look desperate, i waited a few minutes before i texted back with whatever it was i said, but it ended with i'm off to bed, goodnight, which got me a reply in only a few seconds...

with the all important 'x' on the end. i hadnt done that in any of my texts since the fatal phone call during the week, and neither had she.

i know its sad. i put x's on texts to all my girlie mates, so i definitely know i shouldnt pay too much notice of it. But i did.

I'm still questioning my sanity. I know this is going to hurt somewhere along the line. i know i should just forget about her and just stick to the casual stuff.

But i just cant help myself